'Holidays are coming....'

The Christmas Coke advert has begun playing. This always signifies the start of Christmas getting closer and reminds me so very much of my Dad. He loved this advert and the Father Christmas on the back of the lorry that would wink at the end. This year I don't think they show that final piece. He would always sing the words and laugh at his own hilarity. Dad always seemed to let his beard grow a bit more around this time of year and so he would strike a rather uncanny resemblance to Father Christmas. Nobody ever mentioned it. It just happened.

In two days it will be the anniversary of his death. It's been six years and I miss him more than ever. Sometimes I have moments of almost a panic attack where I actually cannot comprehend him not being here. I loose my breath and my heart beats faster. It happens more and more. I also cry so much for my Mum. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like for her.

I still remember vividly the morning of his death. Of Alice, Mum and myself standing around his bed, all holding his hands and him taking his last gasps of air. Alice and I told him we loved him and my mum said 'Just go to the light....I will be with you soon.' I can still hear her saying it. We were all so calm. There was no crying or wailing, or 'Don't die.' We just knew his time to go had come and so we tried to strong and say goodbye. Then he just went still and he had passed.

I so hope and try to believe there is something after life. I always have but recently I have started to think, this is it. When we die we are no more. Forever. Which is rather a long time. I'm struggling with my faith a bit. I have always believed in God. Now I'm not so sure and it's not for any particular reason other than me being overly rational. Truth is, does it matter. I should just believe in what ever helps me. My Mum has really turned to the Church since Dad died. Not in an overbearing, God is great way. It's very personal to her and she's never pushed Alice or I in anyway to do the same. I love that it has got her through such a difficult time. Not only has the spirituality helped her, but she has made contact with people and whilst I wouldn't call it a 'social life' she does have friends there.

Last weekend she was confirmed at St Paul's Cathedral. It was a lovely ceremony and in total 86 people were also confirmed. I could see how much it meant to her to make this commitment to God. It was also in such an amazing building. You couldn't help but feel spiritual. After wards we went for lunch. Alice, Jean-Francois, Ben, Sam and Mum's friend Elizabeth were also with us. Mum then told us that the reason she had finally taken confirmation was because I had forgiven John and fought for my family and that if I could do that then she could forgive all the upset in her life and forge a relationship with Christianity. It was a very humbling moment for me. I never really saw it in that way. I suppose I did fight for us to be a family, but only because I couldn't comprehend the alternative. I often have seen getting back with John as a weakness on my part, but her saying what she said, has finally made me see my forgiving as a strength, and not a weakness.

I'll sign off wishing you all lots of love. It's a grey day here, for a change.

With all my love

Sally

xxx

p.s. Xanna, any more pictures of ladies night? xxxx