Dear Dad

I really can't believe it's been six years since you passed away. It's just gone so quick. I want you to know that you are never far from my thoughts. Everyday I will do or think something and wonder what you would think or if it would make you laugh.

I really am sad that you have not be here to be part of some of the life changing events that have happened since you passed. My greatest sadness is that you never got to see Ben and Sam. Dad, you would have truly adored them. You'd be so proud of how much they love trains. I think I may have ever so slightly influenced that! They are now at an age where they would have happily come with you to stations or railway sidings and listened as you explained which train was which and where they were off to. Mum, Alice and I often laugh at how you would take us to the railway line in Reading, which we would walk over looking out for the Intercity 125's. What were you thinking???!! No doubt the line is now behind some 8ft high barbed wire fence. Ben loves Thomas the tank Engine so much and there is a programme called Chuggingtons, which is all about young trains learning things. They just love it. I can see you sitting with them and watching it. They love the display case of model trains on the wall in your house. Although have shed a tear when we've told them they can't touch. They know who you are. They often look at your photo on the wall and call you 'Dad-dat'. They couldn't say Grandad. Sam is a budding photographer. He would have loved all your camera's and shown such interest in the 1000's of photo's you took.

They are both real characters and have my petulance in them. You would laugh at what they put me through and I know be proud of them. I still can be a petulant teenager. I remember you calling me that and us both laughing. Obviously not at the time as I was too busy being petulant. I really am sorry we clashed so much in my late teens. I was just being an arse. I always loved you, even during the rows.

You really were a kind father. Not perfect, but then I think you'd be the first to admit that. You were so keen to share holidays and trips and memories with us. I look back at the holidays we had growing up as some of the very best moments of my life. I loved our trips to the lake district. We always had the best laugh. Jokes that Alice, Mum and I still do. I remember eating in the hotel restaurant and then going for a walk along the canal every night. I also remember the excitement you had in taking us all to the USA. It was so lovely that you'd loved the US so much on a business trip that you came back and booked up for us all to go. I remember how much you wanted us to go to Disneyland as you'd really enjoyed it there. I can still see the photo's of you and your business colleagues there. How out of place did you all look?! You took us and knew where to eat and what bits to do first. It was just magical.

I hope you know I am happy with John. We've both been through a lot and we did have a terrible separation, but things are good now. He is sorry and I accept that. He never had the lovely family that you and mum gave us and I desperately want him to have it. I'm not trying to copy what we had, I just want him to feel the love we all had. How we were such a strong unit, that we were often oblivious to the outside world and that we loved each other no matter what. I think he's starting to feel that love. You'd dislike his mother. I do. Just know we're ok and in love and I'm taking each day as it comes. If we love each other half as much as you and mum do, then we're ok.

I'm glad you saw me with John before you died. I know you worried about Alice and I being terminally single. I remember on a day trip to France you asking us, why we were alone... I never knew you thought about it. Alice is happy too. I hope Jean marries her. I know it's what she would love.

Mum is ok. I do try and be there for her all the time. I'm sorry we had to move so far away. I'd love her to come and live up here. Maybe she'll come up for a bit in the new year. She cries for you all the time. I'd do anything to take her pain away but I can't. Deep down, I know she's just waiting til you are together again. I am so scared of loosing her, but I will take strength in knowing she is safe with you and happy again. Laughing, talking and the odd row, because lets face it, you two had some real humdingers!

Oh Dad, if I had a wish, it would be that you were here. But you're not. You mean so much to me and taught me more than you will ever ever know. You are the bravest man, the kindest man and you showed me, Alice and Mum limitless love. You taught me how to love and how to be loved.

I love you so much. Wherever you are.....

Sally (Dogbreath)

xxxx