Ten sleeps til Christmas.

I love that the boys work out when events will happen, by how many sleeps are left. It's a recently new thing to me. I don't know where it comes from or if indeed it's been around forever, but I first heard the term about 4 years ago. I think it's fantastic and so innocent. It is hard to believe that this time next week we will be getting ready for our trip down to London. I'm so excited about spending Christmas with all my family. This is the first Christmas we will all have together since 2005. Alice is here, Jean-Francois will have his first cold Christmas (i think) and we are all together as a family. There's one person missing. Dad loved Christmas. There was always the obligatory row between me and him, but apart from that, it was usually a lovely time. There was a period when his business was doing well and he would be incredibly generous. I remember him loving getting us Christmas Crackers made up from a certain shop on Bond Street. This was something he would go and do on his own. The rest of the shopping was down to Mum. It was his thing. He only did a couple of times as it was a luxury and couldn't be maintained, but as lovely as the gift was, it was knowing he'd done it for us that was the real present.

John and I have not done ANY Christmas shopping. We've decided to do it all on Christmas Eve. This is something I have always done, but since meeting John and having the children I have been better at planning ahead. There are two reasons for this decision. The first is that we don't want to bring a load of stuff down on the train and the second is John gets paid on the 24th. Plus it's not really the same having bought things before then. If I'm not rushing round the shops sweating and having major strops, then I'm sorry, it's just not Christmas. The question is where to go. I have yet to visit Westfield. Has anyone been? Or do I stick to my dear old friend, Brent Cross? I'm a bit scared of Westfield. Is it too big? I don't know why I'm scared. I bloody love shopping. I could shop every day and never get bored. I never have enough stuff. If I had the money I'd have everything and then some more. I am a total consumer. If it's bright and shiney, it'll make me happy. Of course it won't..... (it will.)

I have no idea what I'm getting anybody, but I always seem to find presents and in my opinion, really amazing ones. Not expensive, just apt and thoughtful. Maybe that's a matter of knowing the person well enough and a little luck. I don't buy lots of presents, just close family. Next year I may start buying presents for Christmas as and when I see them. Whatever time of year it may be. I often see things for you girls and think you'd like it. Lets see what happens next year. Although don't expect anything, as ultimately I really doubt I will do this.

Friday is the last day of term. When they go back it won't be long until I need to put in the applications for them to move up to Primary one (Reception). School. SCHOOL? I can't bear it. What will I do? I know I'll get a job. But doing what? Where? What can I do? I've forgotten? I've got til August to think about, but the way in which time is passing by, it'll be here before I've amended my CV to say 'Married'. I know ideally I'd like to retrain as a counsellor, but I'm fundamentally lazy and the thought of assignments and projects fills me with dread. I will look into it and see if I can do it whilst doing a job that will help pay the bills in the mean time. Will be nice to earn a bit of cash again. As wonderful as it is being supported by John, I would like to contribute to the finances. Although if you actually paid me for the hours I worked as a child carer, cleaner, cook, chauffeur etc I'd probably be on about a hundred grand a year, as would we all.

Now that I've been doing Avon for a little while I've started using their products more and more. I'm not just saying this, but some of their stuff is amazing. I've been using some of the samples I ordered and their Anew beauty serum is the most amazing cream. It's aimed at a more mature skin, but I've never felt my skin so soft. It's much better than Protect and Perfect (amber). I've had a go on their eye cream as my bags are starting to develop. I've also been using a primer before I put my make-up on. I keep reading how you should and it makes your make up look better, blah blah, but I have to admit it's true and the Avon one is lovely. I can't wait for my next order.

We had John's work Christmas party on Friday. I had a really good evening, but alcohol, me and diabetes don't mix well. I was ok until the end of the evening, where I had a hypo. I wasn't that drunk but I don't remember much and I've never been one to loose my memory when out on the lash. So will knock the excess on the head, which is fine. I rarely have been drunk since the boys were born.

I wore a dress which I felt comfortable and smart in, but it was quite low cut. I wasn't too worried, but at the last minute I decided to wear a corset just to hold me in better. While standing, this was fine, but when sat at the dinner table the corset literally pushed my breasts up to my ears. Poor, poor Colin, who was sitting opposite, didn't know where to look and I had to apologise to him and his lovely girlfriend Deborah for the excess cleavage. I think I put a napkin over the offending area at one point. As soon as I could get up and dance, I did.

Since moving to Kintore I've made friends with one of the other directors wives. She's a funny fish, but we get on and as I have no friends I'm in no position to be picky. She had taken a photo of John and I and text me the next morning asking for my e-mail address. Her words were '...cos I have a lovely photo of you and john.' She's one of those people who you know is lying. My God, I look awful. Awful. I e-mailed back and told her so. She must have known as she said 'It's just the dress.' Thanks-a-fucking-lot. Not, 'No, you look fine.' She agreed, but blamed the dress. I've added her on Facebook. She really thinks she's the dog bollocks. Good luck to her. Keep an eye for her photo's. I'll comment on them so you can have a nose.

I should go. I'm supposed to be making soup. I have never done this before, but feel I should now I'm Scottish. It's been non-stop drizzle here. Hope it doesn't freeze tonight.

Love you all

S

x

I feel very teary.

Am feeling sorry for myself and I hate it. I just want to cry and I also want to punch myself in the face as I have nothing to cry about.

I had an appointment with the diabetic consultant this morning and it kind of scared me. It shouldn't have, but as I am coping with my sugar levels and insulin intake more and more, I am also being made more aware of how diabetes can affect my health. The Dr explained today about how my organs can be affected by not keeping my sugar down and I just became really scared. I actually thought 'This is going to kill me.' My sugar is down and if I carry on the way I am I should be ok, but I get these panicky moments. I get scared of dying and leaving the boys without a Mum. My grandfather had type I diabetes and lived till he was 80. There is nothing for me to be scared off. I think I just get daunted.

It's ok at the moment, as I'm relatively young and in general good health, but what happens as I get older? I'm scared of getting swine flu. That could kill me....see I'm just being an utter arse.

The boys did their Christmas concert at nursery today. They all sang lots of Christmas songs and I cried. I don't think I've ever been quite so proud of them. There were a lot of parents there and it must have been overwhelming for them, but they didn't get upset. They just both sang their little hearts out. Afterwards I had to take them to the medical centre for their booster MMR injections. Ben went first and didn't make a sound. Sam however point blank refused to have it of his own free will, so we had to use some force, which I hate, but had to do. He absolutely screamed his head off, was furious with both John and I, then proceeded to walk through reception and to the car crying at full volume. Not even chocolate could calm him. He is now playing on the Wii and all seems to be ok. A quick recovery considering he was convinced his arm would never stop hurting.

Think of me tomorrow at the holiday inn for John's work do....looks grrrrrreat!

Sorry for moaning.

S

x

Happy 4th Birthday.....

Yesterday B & S celebrated their fourth birthday. I cannot tell you what a great day we all had. They are really at an age where they totally understand what is going on and get excited about it. They woke later than normal which we found rather odd and ran downstairs looking to see if I had decorated the house with balloons as requested by B. I did my best and spent the evening before blowing up 45 balloons. J was no help at all, stating 'he couldn't do it'. Pathetic. I was glad I made the effort as B literally squealed as he walked into the living room. Balloons and presents ahoy.

We had a great morning and really seemed to love what we bought them. We were careful this year not to buy any old tat and got things they had shown an interest in. I think their favourite present is 'Kerplunk.' I love it. They love a game that we played as children. Obviously it's not the same as our version. I'm sure the sticks in the 70's/80's were sharp and they were no way near as flimsy. They now have cottoned on to how you actually play. Initially the fun was to get all the marbles to fall. No they both seem to have developed their own little strategy's.

They also got a game for the wii. I have recently started to let them play on the wii, despite my 'Our children are never playing computer games' view. I, however, like the wii as it's not shooting zombie type games, but sport based pursuits. I love watching them as they play the cow racing game. When they first started playing this one, they quickly worked out you could make the cows jump and I have never heard such hearty laughter whilst they screamed 'Bouncy, bouncy.' Alice bought the the wii sports resort game and tonight we got going with it. They wanted to do canoeing and again were absolutely in hysterics. I think the scariest thing is they have learnt how to work the controls and change the menu options. They'll be hacking into the MoD mainframe computer system before I know it.

We decided not to throw them a party. I really didn't want twenty five children, who I don't know from nursery around our house. I don't care if I sound miserable. It seems you have to invite the whole class if you have a party and I'm not about to do that. Instead we took them bowling. They bloody loved it. As did we all. Mum was with us. Can I just say Mum, who, in her words, hasn't been bowling for about thirty years, got a strike on her first bowl.... this was after she'd got a 'par' on the wii golf the night before (I don't really know what that means, but it's good) and she has never held a golf club in her life. It was the funniest thing. I am definitely taking them again. They played properly, took it in turns and there was not one fight or argument. S wanted to return to the bowling alley this morning, but I had to explain, nursery came first.

Before we went out the boys from next door popped in for a slice of birthday cake with their mum. My neighbour is so nice. She really is a lovely lady and her kids are great. B & S love them.

I felt so different yesterday. I think I felt like a grown up. I didn't spend ALL day shouting at them to behave or dragging them to do things. Something just clicked and we all laughed and had fun. Happy Birthday B & S. You rock x

No other real news. I have very high shoes to wear for John's Christmas party. Stupidly high. I think I'll last three minutes in them, but I miss heels, so am prepared to give them a go. Avon stuff arrives on Friday. I can't wait. Mum is here until the weekend and before you know it, we'll be back for Christmas....

I love you all

Sally

xxx