Let down....again.

I cannot describe how awful I feel when I'm let down, but those who are supposed to love me. It's a feeling that is so deep within me, that takes control of my whole body and it takes all my energy not to buckle at the knees and fall down.

I didn't buckle this time. We all know how I have been let down in the past and how I have chosen to forgive behaviour and move on with our lives.

It wasn't really what had been done, but the potential of what was evolving. I know where these things can lead to. It's the deceit and the blatant secrecy that sickens me....I also to question the intelligence. How stupid do you have to be to keep getting caught? Don't text when I am upstairs. Turn your phone off, when your children and I are all within twenty feet. I have been deceitful in the past and know of others who have been also, but have some wit about you and keep things secret. If you want to do what you are doing so much. Maybe there is an element of wanting to be caught. An inability to stop himself, which needs me to discover the sordid truth and put an end to it. Maybe that's a bit too clever and it's just a matter of being stupid.

I am yet to forgive these lies. Although technically it's not lying as when confronted, it was all blurted out. It was sneaky and disrespectful. I think that's why this time I feel so emotionally detached from it. The lack of respect on their part has made me totally apathetic to the pathectic. The second I found out and after smashing the prized, framed photo on the wall, I stopped having feelings. Just contempt. I just fell out of love.

Do I stay? Yes. I'm sure I will. Will I forgive? Not sure. Do I care anymore? Not about him, no.

Do I deserve better? Yes.

I suppose it's just a matter of getting on with life and now really realising, that there is no happy ending. Just an ending.