Ten sleeps til Christmas.

I love that the boys work out when events will happen, by how many sleeps are left. It's a recently new thing to me. I don't know where it comes from or if indeed it's been around forever, but I first heard the term about 4 years ago. I think it's fantastic and so innocent. It is hard to believe that this time next week we will be getting ready for our trip down to London. I'm so excited about spending Christmas with all my family. This is the first Christmas we will all have together since 2005. Alice is here, Jean-Francois will have his first cold Christmas (i think) and we are all together as a family. There's one person missing. Dad loved Christmas. There was always the obligatory row between me and him, but apart from that, it was usually a lovely time. There was a period when his business was doing well and he would be incredibly generous. I remember him loving getting us Christmas Crackers made up from a certain shop on Bond Street. This was something he would go and do on his own. The rest of the shopping was down to Mum. It was his thing. He only did a couple of times as it was a luxury and couldn't be maintained, but as lovely as the gift was, it was knowing he'd done it for us that was the real present.

John and I have not done ANY Christmas shopping. We've decided to do it all on Christmas Eve. This is something I have always done, but since meeting John and having the children I have been better at planning ahead. There are two reasons for this decision. The first is that we don't want to bring a load of stuff down on the train and the second is John gets paid on the 24th. Plus it's not really the same having bought things before then. If I'm not rushing round the shops sweating and having major strops, then I'm sorry, it's just not Christmas. The question is where to go. I have yet to visit Westfield. Has anyone been? Or do I stick to my dear old friend, Brent Cross? I'm a bit scared of Westfield. Is it too big? I don't know why I'm scared. I bloody love shopping. I could shop every day and never get bored. I never have enough stuff. If I had the money I'd have everything and then some more. I am a total consumer. If it's bright and shiney, it'll make me happy. Of course it won't..... (it will.)

I have no idea what I'm getting anybody, but I always seem to find presents and in my opinion, really amazing ones. Not expensive, just apt and thoughtful. Maybe that's a matter of knowing the person well enough and a little luck. I don't buy lots of presents, just close family. Next year I may start buying presents for Christmas as and when I see them. Whatever time of year it may be. I often see things for you girls and think you'd like it. Lets see what happens next year. Although don't expect anything, as ultimately I really doubt I will do this.

Friday is the last day of term. When they go back it won't be long until I need to put in the applications for them to move up to Primary one (Reception). School. SCHOOL? I can't bear it. What will I do? I know I'll get a job. But doing what? Where? What can I do? I've forgotten? I've got til August to think about, but the way in which time is passing by, it'll be here before I've amended my CV to say 'Married'. I know ideally I'd like to retrain as a counsellor, but I'm fundamentally lazy and the thought of assignments and projects fills me with dread. I will look into it and see if I can do it whilst doing a job that will help pay the bills in the mean time. Will be nice to earn a bit of cash again. As wonderful as it is being supported by John, I would like to contribute to the finances. Although if you actually paid me for the hours I worked as a child carer, cleaner, cook, chauffeur etc I'd probably be on about a hundred grand a year, as would we all.

Now that I've been doing Avon for a little while I've started using their products more and more. I'm not just saying this, but some of their stuff is amazing. I've been using some of the samples I ordered and their Anew beauty serum is the most amazing cream. It's aimed at a more mature skin, but I've never felt my skin so soft. It's much better than Protect and Perfect (amber). I've had a go on their eye cream as my bags are starting to develop. I've also been using a primer before I put my make-up on. I keep reading how you should and it makes your make up look better, blah blah, but I have to admit it's true and the Avon one is lovely. I can't wait for my next order.

We had John's work Christmas party on Friday. I had a really good evening, but alcohol, me and diabetes don't mix well. I was ok until the end of the evening, where I had a hypo. I wasn't that drunk but I don't remember much and I've never been one to loose my memory when out on the lash. So will knock the excess on the head, which is fine. I rarely have been drunk since the boys were born.

I wore a dress which I felt comfortable and smart in, but it was quite low cut. I wasn't too worried, but at the last minute I decided to wear a corset just to hold me in better. While standing, this was fine, but when sat at the dinner table the corset literally pushed my breasts up to my ears. Poor, poor Colin, who was sitting opposite, didn't know where to look and I had to apologise to him and his lovely girlfriend Deborah for the excess cleavage. I think I put a napkin over the offending area at one point. As soon as I could get up and dance, I did.

Since moving to Kintore I've made friends with one of the other directors wives. She's a funny fish, but we get on and as I have no friends I'm in no position to be picky. She had taken a photo of John and I and text me the next morning asking for my e-mail address. Her words were '...cos I have a lovely photo of you and john.' She's one of those people who you know is lying. My God, I look awful. Awful. I e-mailed back and told her so. She must have known as she said 'It's just the dress.' Thanks-a-fucking-lot. Not, 'No, you look fine.' She agreed, but blamed the dress. I've added her on Facebook. She really thinks she's the dog bollocks. Good luck to her. Keep an eye for her photo's. I'll comment on them so you can have a nose.

I should go. I'm supposed to be making soup. I have never done this before, but feel I should now I'm Scottish. It's been non-stop drizzle here. Hope it doesn't freeze tonight.

Love you all

S

x

I feel very teary.

Am feeling sorry for myself and I hate it. I just want to cry and I also want to punch myself in the face as I have nothing to cry about.

I had an appointment with the diabetic consultant this morning and it kind of scared me. It shouldn't have, but as I am coping with my sugar levels and insulin intake more and more, I am also being made more aware of how diabetes can affect my health. The Dr explained today about how my organs can be affected by not keeping my sugar down and I just became really scared. I actually thought 'This is going to kill me.' My sugar is down and if I carry on the way I am I should be ok, but I get these panicky moments. I get scared of dying and leaving the boys without a Mum. My grandfather had type I diabetes and lived till he was 80. There is nothing for me to be scared off. I think I just get daunted.

It's ok at the moment, as I'm relatively young and in general good health, but what happens as I get older? I'm scared of getting swine flu. That could kill me....see I'm just being an utter arse.

The boys did their Christmas concert at nursery today. They all sang lots of Christmas songs and I cried. I don't think I've ever been quite so proud of them. There were a lot of parents there and it must have been overwhelming for them, but they didn't get upset. They just both sang their little hearts out. Afterwards I had to take them to the medical centre for their booster MMR injections. Ben went first and didn't make a sound. Sam however point blank refused to have it of his own free will, so we had to use some force, which I hate, but had to do. He absolutely screamed his head off, was furious with both John and I, then proceeded to walk through reception and to the car crying at full volume. Not even chocolate could calm him. He is now playing on the Wii and all seems to be ok. A quick recovery considering he was convinced his arm would never stop hurting.

Think of me tomorrow at the holiday inn for John's work do....looks grrrrrreat!

Sorry for moaning.

S

x

Happy 4th Birthday.....

Yesterday B & S celebrated their fourth birthday. I cannot tell you what a great day we all had. They are really at an age where they totally understand what is going on and get excited about it. They woke later than normal which we found rather odd and ran downstairs looking to see if I had decorated the house with balloons as requested by B. I did my best and spent the evening before blowing up 45 balloons. J was no help at all, stating 'he couldn't do it'. Pathetic. I was glad I made the effort as B literally squealed as he walked into the living room. Balloons and presents ahoy.

We had a great morning and really seemed to love what we bought them. We were careful this year not to buy any old tat and got things they had shown an interest in. I think their favourite present is 'Kerplunk.' I love it. They love a game that we played as children. Obviously it's not the same as our version. I'm sure the sticks in the 70's/80's were sharp and they were no way near as flimsy. They now have cottoned on to how you actually play. Initially the fun was to get all the marbles to fall. No they both seem to have developed their own little strategy's.

They also got a game for the wii. I have recently started to let them play on the wii, despite my 'Our children are never playing computer games' view. I, however, like the wii as it's not shooting zombie type games, but sport based pursuits. I love watching them as they play the cow racing game. When they first started playing this one, they quickly worked out you could make the cows jump and I have never heard such hearty laughter whilst they screamed 'Bouncy, bouncy.' Alice bought the the wii sports resort game and tonight we got going with it. They wanted to do canoeing and again were absolutely in hysterics. I think the scariest thing is they have learnt how to work the controls and change the menu options. They'll be hacking into the MoD mainframe computer system before I know it.

We decided not to throw them a party. I really didn't want twenty five children, who I don't know from nursery around our house. I don't care if I sound miserable. It seems you have to invite the whole class if you have a party and I'm not about to do that. Instead we took them bowling. They bloody loved it. As did we all. Mum was with us. Can I just say Mum, who, in her words, hasn't been bowling for about thirty years, got a strike on her first bowl.... this was after she'd got a 'par' on the wii golf the night before (I don't really know what that means, but it's good) and she has never held a golf club in her life. It was the funniest thing. I am definitely taking them again. They played properly, took it in turns and there was not one fight or argument. S wanted to return to the bowling alley this morning, but I had to explain, nursery came first.

Before we went out the boys from next door popped in for a slice of birthday cake with their mum. My neighbour is so nice. She really is a lovely lady and her kids are great. B & S love them.

I felt so different yesterday. I think I felt like a grown up. I didn't spend ALL day shouting at them to behave or dragging them to do things. Something just clicked and we all laughed and had fun. Happy Birthday B & S. You rock x

No other real news. I have very high shoes to wear for John's Christmas party. Stupidly high. I think I'll last three minutes in them, but I miss heels, so am prepared to give them a go. Avon stuff arrives on Friday. I can't wait. Mum is here until the weekend and before you know it, we'll be back for Christmas....

I love you all

Sally

xxx

Parties of tat...

I think I shall try and write a cheery blog as the last few have been a bit sad or indeed a harsh insight into my insecurities and mental fuck-ups. Lets go for a little light heartedness, shall we?

I got invited to a Jewellery party at Pamela's from number 35 and it all happened last Thursday. I was quite looking forward to it and imagined I would purchase a key piece of tasteful and simple silver. WRONG. Pamela is a lovely lady who I met on the trick or treating night out and I was touched she invited me. I went over, fashionably late, armed with a rather tasty bottle of Sauvignon Blanc (on special in Asda, shhhh!) and Pamela looked at me as if I had presented me with a bottle of Colombian virgin's blood. Do people in Scotland not arrive with a little something for the host? Once that was out the way we went into the living room. I was the last to arrive and a hush fell. I recognised a mum from the nursery who always ignores me, but as I was so pleased to see a familiar face I said 'Hello' to her in the most over animated fashion. Almost children's TV league. I then searched for somewhere to sit and one of the ladies selling the jewellery offered me her seat, which I took.

In the corner of the room was a trestle table covered in boxes and displays of the items on sale. Even from a distance I could tell it was cheap and awful and lo and behold, at close range it was just as revolting. However, I was clearly the only one that thought this. They were buying whacks of the stuff. I panicked. Was it me? Had missed all the good stuff. Each woman had three or four pieces as I struggled to find one thing I would immediately throw in the bin. Plus this stuff was not cheap. I wish I had the balls to not have bought anything, but in a desperate bid to fit in I found a bracelet that was quite nice and something Mum would like. It was literally the one nice piece. The type of stuff on sale was brooches in the shape of 'elegant hands' or musical notes, covered in diamante. God, it was just the worst costume jewellery. Who makes this stuff? My contribution to the evening was a fiver. The other ladies were spending about twenty pounds. I thought about spending more and then thought, no. This is shit. I did have a bit of a chat and Pamela, who wasn't actually selling it, just hosting, is a really nice lady and easy to talk to.

I also got speaking to Julie who is mother to triplet girls, who live opposite. Julie and her husband had IVF and whilst only two embryo's were planted, one split. She was very funny and down to earth and we had a laugh about the joys of having multiples and exchanged stories of children escaping and pooing their pants. I told her to knock anytime. It's hard making friends when you have none, as I always feel I sound a tad desperate and slightly high pitched. Plus I don't think anyone actually could like me. Especially up here. I worry they all think I'm a stuck up southerner. I don't think I do anything that would make them think this, other than having a sticker on my car that reads 'Scotland is shite.'

I don't seem to having any luck at posting photo's on here, but there are some recent ones on the flickr website. The latest are of a rather windy afternoon at the beach. I forget how close to the coast we are sometimes. Whilst it looks as cold as cold can be, it is rather a nice beach. I think it can be busy in the summer. I have no desire to go swimming but look forward to a few beach picnics.

Is anyone else watching 'I'm a celebrity...'? I'm loving most of the celebs, but George Hamiliton is hilarious. Who knew? The only person I REALLY dislike is Joe Bugner. He's scares me. A very odd man.

It's been another lovely week here in Kintore. We've missed the floods, luckily and had a few days of cold and sunshine. I hope you are all well and happy.

Love

Sally

xxx

Dear Dad

I really can't believe it's been six years since you passed away. It's just gone so quick. I want you to know that you are never far from my thoughts. Everyday I will do or think something and wonder what you would think or if it would make you laugh.

I really am sad that you have not be here to be part of some of the life changing events that have happened since you passed. My greatest sadness is that you never got to see Ben and Sam. Dad, you would have truly adored them. You'd be so proud of how much they love trains. I think I may have ever so slightly influenced that! They are now at an age where they would have happily come with you to stations or railway sidings and listened as you explained which train was which and where they were off to. Mum, Alice and I often laugh at how you would take us to the railway line in Reading, which we would walk over looking out for the Intercity 125's. What were you thinking???!! No doubt the line is now behind some 8ft high barbed wire fence. Ben loves Thomas the tank Engine so much and there is a programme called Chuggingtons, which is all about young trains learning things. They just love it. I can see you sitting with them and watching it. They love the display case of model trains on the wall in your house. Although have shed a tear when we've told them they can't touch. They know who you are. They often look at your photo on the wall and call you 'Dad-dat'. They couldn't say Grandad. Sam is a budding photographer. He would have loved all your camera's and shown such interest in the 1000's of photo's you took.

They are both real characters and have my petulance in them. You would laugh at what they put me through and I know be proud of them. I still can be a petulant teenager. I remember you calling me that and us both laughing. Obviously not at the time as I was too busy being petulant. I really am sorry we clashed so much in my late teens. I was just being an arse. I always loved you, even during the rows.

You really were a kind father. Not perfect, but then I think you'd be the first to admit that. You were so keen to share holidays and trips and memories with us. I look back at the holidays we had growing up as some of the very best moments of my life. I loved our trips to the lake district. We always had the best laugh. Jokes that Alice, Mum and I still do. I remember eating in the hotel restaurant and then going for a walk along the canal every night. I also remember the excitement you had in taking us all to the USA. It was so lovely that you'd loved the US so much on a business trip that you came back and booked up for us all to go. I remember how much you wanted us to go to Disneyland as you'd really enjoyed it there. I can still see the photo's of you and your business colleagues there. How out of place did you all look?! You took us and knew where to eat and what bits to do first. It was just magical.

I hope you know I am happy with John. We've both been through a lot and we did have a terrible separation, but things are good now. He is sorry and I accept that. He never had the lovely family that you and mum gave us and I desperately want him to have it. I'm not trying to copy what we had, I just want him to feel the love we all had. How we were such a strong unit, that we were often oblivious to the outside world and that we loved each other no matter what. I think he's starting to feel that love. You'd dislike his mother. I do. Just know we're ok and in love and I'm taking each day as it comes. If we love each other half as much as you and mum do, then we're ok.

I'm glad you saw me with John before you died. I know you worried about Alice and I being terminally single. I remember on a day trip to France you asking us, why we were alone... I never knew you thought about it. Alice is happy too. I hope Jean marries her. I know it's what she would love.

Mum is ok. I do try and be there for her all the time. I'm sorry we had to move so far away. I'd love her to come and live up here. Maybe she'll come up for a bit in the new year. She cries for you all the time. I'd do anything to take her pain away but I can't. Deep down, I know she's just waiting til you are together again. I am so scared of loosing her, but I will take strength in knowing she is safe with you and happy again. Laughing, talking and the odd row, because lets face it, you two had some real humdingers!

Oh Dad, if I had a wish, it would be that you were here. But you're not. You mean so much to me and taught me more than you will ever ever know. You are the bravest man, the kindest man and you showed me, Alice and Mum limitless love. You taught me how to love and how to be loved.

I love you so much. Wherever you are.....

Sally (Dogbreath)

xxxx

'Holidays are coming....'

The Christmas Coke advert has begun playing. This always signifies the start of Christmas getting closer and reminds me so very much of my Dad. He loved this advert and the Father Christmas on the back of the lorry that would wink at the end. This year I don't think they show that final piece. He would always sing the words and laugh at his own hilarity. Dad always seemed to let his beard grow a bit more around this time of year and so he would strike a rather uncanny resemblance to Father Christmas. Nobody ever mentioned it. It just happened.

In two days it will be the anniversary of his death. It's been six years and I miss him more than ever. Sometimes I have moments of almost a panic attack where I actually cannot comprehend him not being here. I loose my breath and my heart beats faster. It happens more and more. I also cry so much for my Mum. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like for her.

I still remember vividly the morning of his death. Of Alice, Mum and myself standing around his bed, all holding his hands and him taking his last gasps of air. Alice and I told him we loved him and my mum said 'Just go to the light....I will be with you soon.' I can still hear her saying it. We were all so calm. There was no crying or wailing, or 'Don't die.' We just knew his time to go had come and so we tried to strong and say goodbye. Then he just went still and he had passed.

I so hope and try to believe there is something after life. I always have but recently I have started to think, this is it. When we die we are no more. Forever. Which is rather a long time. I'm struggling with my faith a bit. I have always believed in God. Now I'm not so sure and it's not for any particular reason other than me being overly rational. Truth is, does it matter. I should just believe in what ever helps me. My Mum has really turned to the Church since Dad died. Not in an overbearing, God is great way. It's very personal to her and she's never pushed Alice or I in anyway to do the same. I love that it has got her through such a difficult time. Not only has the spirituality helped her, but she has made contact with people and whilst I wouldn't call it a 'social life' she does have friends there.

Last weekend she was confirmed at St Paul's Cathedral. It was a lovely ceremony and in total 86 people were also confirmed. I could see how much it meant to her to make this commitment to God. It was also in such an amazing building. You couldn't help but feel spiritual. After wards we went for lunch. Alice, Jean-Francois, Ben, Sam and Mum's friend Elizabeth were also with us. Mum then told us that the reason she had finally taken confirmation was because I had forgiven John and fought for my family and that if I could do that then she could forgive all the upset in her life and forge a relationship with Christianity. It was a very humbling moment for me. I never really saw it in that way. I suppose I did fight for us to be a family, but only because I couldn't comprehend the alternative. I often have seen getting back with John as a weakness on my part, but her saying what she said, has finally made me see my forgiving as a strength, and not a weakness.

I'll sign off wishing you all lots of love. It's a grey day here, for a change.

With all my love

Sally

xxx

p.s. Xanna, any more pictures of ladies night? xxxx

Avon calling...

The Avon stuff arrived twenty minutes ago. I'm too excited to write. x