My weight

Since my diabetes was diagnosed and I've started injecting insulin (I almost wrote heroin for some reason) I have put back on some of the weight I lost. The loss of weight and the speed at which it happened was due to my pancreas not making insulin and my body not converting the energy in the food. I was basically urinating sugar and so no weight was gained and indeed I began to shed it. Oh those lovely days of just eating what I wanted and as much as I wanted. It made the constant thirst, constant weeing, exhaustion and thrush from hell almost bearable. Actually it was awful, but I wore skinny jeans for the first time in a long time.

I got down to eleven stone and a size 12. This was great, but I still wanted to loose more weight. I have always wanted to loose another half a stone. I am never happy. I wonder if I would be like this if I got down to something silly (for me) like seven stone. When I have been at my thinnest, which is usually through tragic heartbreak or even the time I was bulimic, I still look in the mirror and see a fat person. I was talking to a friend about my body dis morphia the other day and she described me looking 'thin' in some photo's. I never see this. I also talked to John about wanting to be happy with the way my body is. I like my clothes, I more than often am pleased with how I look in my clothes, but I always have in my mind that the way I look will be temporary. An example of this is I would love a pair of 'designer jeans'. I wear jeans all the time and would love to splash out on a pair by 7 for all mankind or similar, but I never ever do because I say 'I want to get them when I've lost some weight'. Why not just get them now and be happy? Why always feel so fat?

I talked to John about something that happened to me when I was about ten or eleven. To this day I think about it often, vividly and it always makes me cry. I think John is actually the first person I've talked to about it. I was walking along past the shops in South End Green (now Starbucks and Blue Daisy) and outside the then cinema was a queue of people, mostly kids, waiting to see a film. One of the boys shouted over at me, in the loudest voice 'Oi Sally, you fat shit.' I was absolutely mortified (I'm crying again) and really hoped my Dad hadn't heard and by some miracle he hadn't, because a lot of people had. The children in the queue all laughed and I just wanted to curl up and die. This boy is someone we all know from school.

He was actually quite popular and a hit with the girls. I spent all of our time at Hampstead avoiding him at all costs. There were times when we were at the same parties and gatherings but I don't think I actually spoke to him until we left school and were in our twenties and to be honest he seemed ok. We were even friends on Facebook, but I removed him as we were never friends in real life and he hardly used the site. I think this incident has had more of an effect on me than I've realised. It still is very fresh despite happening 25 years ago and I never have spoken of it (at least I don't think I have, you will know if it's something I shared). I know it was a throwaway comment and a young lad trying to impress his friends, but to be honest I don't think he'd be sorry if I told him what he did or indeed I doubt he'd remember.

So I really do want to try and just be happy with me and my body. I love how Gok Wan makes the women on how to look good naked love their bodies and shows them how well they can dress. I really want to be like that. I suppose the first hurdle is recognising I have a problem and hopefully I will deal with it.

Love to you all

S

x

London Baby.

I am back in Kintore after a few days in London. I went to see friends and family as it was school holidays for the boys. We travelled by train, which despite being a lengthy journey wasn't unbearable and I have to say that considering how bored I was, the boys behaviour was impeccable. Obviously there was some whining and restlessness, but they hardly argued. Neither with each other or me. To be fair I plied them with food most of the trip, in an attempt to keep their mouths occupied. On the train ride down, mum met us on the train at Newcastle, which was an amazing help and company for me.

This journey has made me realise what a very nervous traveller I am. I think it's to do with having tickets and allocated seats. I'm the same flying. I am constantly checking that I have the tickets and am not happy that I am in the right seat until the ticket inspector has been along. I had reserved tickets and thank god I did, as we'd have been standing for the majority of the journey. Others clearly do not have such concerns. On the trip back I had moved to sit with the boys for a few minutes (we didn't have a table on our return, so they sat across the aisle from me) and a woman and her mother got on and went to sit in the window seat next to mine, which was vacant at the time but had been reserved from a station a bit further on and then her mother went to sit in my despite my book being on the seat and my handbag on the floor. I suppose I could have sat in with the boys but I thought, 'No, I've paid for three seats, I'm having three seats,' and so sent her on her merry way. Really nicely though. I wasn't rude.

I would never sit in a seat with a reservation ticket on it without looking at it to see where it's reserved to and from. I often wonder if I go through life thinking about this sort of stuff too much. Should I just sit where I want and deal with the consequences later or am I right to make sure I'm not in some body's seat and save them the palava of asking me to move. Do I do it because I hate most confrontation? Because I don't want to look stupid? Because I like to be in the right place at the right time? All of these things, probably.

It was truly lovely to be back in London. I miss the hustle and bustle. Everything is on the go twenty four - seven. Traffic is busy, pavements are congested, the constant sound of a siren in the background. All things I took for granted when I lived there, but are non existent here in Kintore. I'm sure if we lived in Aberdeen itself, these things would be around us. Watching the London news was so different. Gun and knife crime are still a big part of London, but since being here I've not seen or heard about a murder. The biggest news in Kintore is the floods. In my absence last week there were several parts of Aberdeenshire flooded, parts of Kintore included. A farmer who lived in our village went out on his tractor to rescue some of his livestock and in doing so must have been swept away by the water. The police spent three days searching for him and yesterday afternoon they found his body. His was 81, which doesn't make it any better, but I think there was a feeling of he had lived a long life and wasn't leaving any young children behind. It's still sad though. I read news reports about this on-line and saw that Kintore was 'devastated' and 'shocked' at such a tragedy. Which it is, but as it really must have shook people as things like this just don't really happen. Part of me likes that the boys could potentially grow up being sheltered and the other part (the NORF London part) of me, feels they should be exposed to the harsh realities of City life (not right now, when a bit older), so they can cope with things in life that just are pleasant. I suppose there is still plenty of time for this. They don't need to know about guns, knives and drugs just yet.

It was so lovely to see you all and catch up although I never feel we have enough time to talk. You all looked well and I have to say Rosa was positively blooming. I love how we talked about people who then turned out to be two tables behind us. Xanthe taking photo's (how I wish I had your camera confidence), Fran staying awake past ten pm, Becca and her aggressive cleaning tales and Nomi doing the 'I shall pretend I'm scratching my shoulder with my chin when I'm really trying to look over my shoulder. Very Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles.

I loved my Starbucks coffee with lovely Amber - skinny latte with a extra shot of bitching. I miss our kitchen day terribly. Looking at outfits and boots on the internet and planning tattoo's. I miss lots of things, but I love Kintore. I love looking out of the window of our living room with the heating on and cup of tea and the truly grim weather outside. I love our house. I'm not smug and I would never take any of this for granted. Who knows when it could be taken away. I love the space of our garden, our wardrobes, our shower, the tumble dryer. I love parking off road outside my house. I love the boys having such lovely neighbours to play with and that they can scoot in the street. I love their nursery. I love the butchers. The Dr's and the kind, kind people at the hospital who are helping me with my diabetes. I love my children and my husband and I know only too well how very blessed I am to have my family. I know how awful it was to almost loose it.

Yes, I do hanker after my City life and I do have moments of wanting to go 'home', but deep in my heart I am home. Home with the loves of my life. Home with the people who love me. The people I love and miss in London, will always be loved by me, wherever I am. I miss you. I love you. I will always be here for you.

I will see you all soon. If not when we are down the weekend of the 7th, then at Christmas.

Love, as always

Sally

p.s. If I'm honest, if Aberdeen had an Ikea, I wouldn't give a toss about London!!!

A lovely week.

I can't tell you how nice the last week has been. We're mid the Scottish school holidays and John took last week off. We've just pottered about and had a few day trips. I kind of take it for granted that as soon as we leave our road we are in the country. There are mountains on the horizon as we drive down (or up) the A90 and suddenly you come off and start following a small road that leads you through one small village after the other. Some of the villages are lovely and some are so small and bleak I would rather stick pins in my eyes, than live in them. The green, the forests and the general landscape are stunning though. Sometimes when I see the map of the UK on the TV weather reports I do feel a little cut off. Aberdeen is quite isolated, unlike other Scottish cities. It seems up bit 'up the top'. Although everything (bar Ikea) I need or want is here.

I'm sitting in the living room as I write this and watching Ben & Sam play outside. I love that they can play out. Obviously I check on them and keep an eye, but I feel as long as they don't go past certain boundaries (touch wood) they are ok. I never dreamed that Ben and Sam would be able to do this. They scoot around with the boys next door, Cameron & Kyle. Ben and Sam adore Cameron as he is an older boy and clearly some sort of Demi-God. They are constantly wanting to tell Cameron things. His little brother Kyle is the sweetest thing. Have I said this before?

I probably won't write again until I return from London. The boys and I get in late afternoon on Monday and leave Friday morning.

See you soon

S

x

Ikea-ka-ka-ka

I'm telling you now, you do not realise how amazingly fantastic Ikea until it is taken away from you. It is well priced, well made and well designed. Furnishing this house without Ikea ten minutes away has been very difficult. We ordered some stuff from Argos and it was shite, as well as being more expensive than my favourite Swedish shop.

There isn't one in Aberdeen, so yesterday we got in the car and did the three hour drive to Edinburgh. And it was SO worth it. It felt familiar. I felt at home as I browsed the Malm drawers and Riba frames. I felt safe and secure drinking my free coffee (thanks to my family card) in the cafe, as the aroma of meat balls wafted through the air. I marvelled at glasses we don't need and saucepans we don't want. I wanted candles, vases, lamps.... I want it all. I actually think even if I had millions I would still go to Ikea. God, I love it. Love it. And the Christmas decorations are in. Sadly I couldn't get John excited about their wrapping paper or heart shaped baubles, but I'm hoping to get Mum up here soon and we can make a day of it.

John is at home this week. It's the school holidays up here. The boys have two weeks off. It's Wednesday already and the week has been lovely so far. Yesterday was great and the house is really coming together. It's so cosy and nice. I still feel it's homely, but we have space and I'm managing to keep it tidy. I do have some help with cleaning though. There are three bathrooms and a toilet. I don't mind dusting and vacuuming, but hate bathroom cleaning. Molly Maid come every two weeks and two lovely Scottish girls whizz round here in an hour and a half. It's a total luxury and I'm enjoying it while I can.

My sugars are still quite high, but I have two appointments tomorrow. The first is a three hour group course on high to 'count carbs' and make sure you take the right amount of insulin to break the sugar down. The other is in the afternoon with the diabetes nurse at the hospital. I do feel better in general, so something must be working. I jut hope we can get the sugars right down over the next few weeks.

So, the boys and I arrive back in London, late Monday afternoon. I am so looking forward to coming back for a visit and doing some City things. Starbucks, a decent Chinese...that's it...and seeing my friends and mum and Alice. I really have missed Al. I miss Mum too, but at least have seen her. It's hard for Al, to get the time off work and it can be expensive flying up here. Mum has the time to do the train. Speaking of the train, we've also booked our Christmas train tickets. We're back on the 23rd December til the 29th. Hopefully we'll be around for some of the festive action!

It's been a lazy morning here, so I'm off to get ready and I think we're hoping to drive somewhere. I want to go to Peterhead and see the fishing boats and buy fresh fish. The sun is desperately trying to break through the clouds. I'll do my flat pack tomorrow.

Lots of love

S

xxx

Rainy Days.....

The weather has now turned extremely windy and rainy up here. Even the Scottish people are commenting on how awful the weather is and I would have thought they were used to it. Our house is incredibly warm though. We've had the heating on a couple of times, but the house seems to retain it. I think that is the most boring paragraph I have ever written in my life.....

I've been taking my insulin all this week. My sugar levels are still quite high, so my dosage has been increased gradually each day. The levels this morning were a bit lower, but still too high. They said it would take a while to get it all sorted. It's all going well. The only thing I would say is you have to be fairly organised and remember to do things. To aid me, I ordered a special diabetes 'kit bag' from a company on the internet. It was advertised in the Diabetes magazine the hospital gave me. It looks like a filofax but inside are all compartment to hold the various bits of equipment I have. It wasn't cheap either. I totally lost the plot when it arrived. It's a tan leather and was marked to buggery. I sent it back with a stinking letter. I was so disappointed. How dare they send out such a cack piece of stock. It was scratched, marked and has some sort of water stain. Yesterday a got a phone call from the woman who owns the company saying how sorry she was and she would send another one out that she would check personally. So I agreed. I'd looked on the internet for another kitbag but they were the only company that made a bag totally equipped for diabetics. The woman who owned the company designed the kitbag because she could never find anything suitable to carry all her kit in. I feel however she has overpriced all the goods...based on the kitbag I got. Lets see what I get in the post next week. There is however a market for cheaper and more fashionable bags, I feel.

My symptoms have started to ease. I slept the whole night through on Thursday without doing a wee, having a drink and the boys didn't wake. The first full night in about 4 years.

Our last lot of furniture arrived in the week, so now we have no excuse not to unpack the garage of all our 'gumpf'. Clearly nothing essential as it's still out there. I have to make the furniture though. As much as I enjoy a bit of flat pack, I'm now bored of it.

I saw High School Musical for the first time in the week. I've mentioned it on FaceBook, but I have to say I LOVED it. It was so jolly and happy and over the top. Just what a Disney film should be. Primary colours, everyone good-looking, happy. Marvellous. Just need to see 2 & 3.

Right, I'm off. Lots of love

S

x

Memories.....

I had to go to Aberdeen Infirmary yesterday as my blood sugars read so high at my GP appointment, I think the nurse was worried I'd die on her. I didn't. The care we got there was amazing. First of all, you get three hours free parking. Can you imagine our shock? We then went up to the diabetes ward and we made to wait almost five minutes before a lovely doctor came along and took us into a little room to discuss my plan of care. Because of my symptoms and age there was an uncertainty as to which type of diabetes I have. We agreed with the doctor that they would start me on tablets whilst they sent my bloods off to be tested. This is apparently a relatively new test which can determine the strain of diabetes. As we were discussing this, Hillary the lovely diabetes nurse came in and did a blood sugar and ketone reading. My blood sugar was 25.9 (the ideal is between 5 and 6) and my ketones were 4.2 (this should be 0). The two medical people almost cacked themselves and both said 'Insulin'. Ten minutes later I was picking out the 'pen' I wanted to use and injecting myself with my first bout of insulin. It didn't phase me too much as I remember doing it with the boys and I'm not particularly squeamish. It honestly doesn't hurt. The most painful thing is pricking your finger to get a drop of blood for the blood/ketone reader.

So yesterday was the first day of a brand new chapter in my life. I am a diabetic and I have to have four injections a day. I have had a few tears about it, but in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be upset about. I don't have a terminal illness, I have something that I can control and it means I need to look after myself. We were in with the diabetes team for two hours and they were brilliant. I cannot fault the NHS up here. It's just been fantastic. I saw a nutritionalist today, who again was great. I was under the impression I'd never be able to eat a piece of cake or chocolate again, but that's not case. As long as I always take my long lasting insulin at night and take the right dose of insulin before I eat something, nothing is really off limits. However it wouldn't be wise for me to eat unhealthily all the time. The nurse said, nobody never has a treat. I have no problem in changing my lifestyle. I don't actually eat that badly. I will need to exercise more. There's talk of buying a bike. Gulp.

Mum's up again. It's a great help having her here and I think she really loves it. She has spoken of getting a job at the local garden centre, which is where we hang out as it sells everything and has a lovely cafe. It's said in jest, but..... I love it when she's here.

We went into the city centre today, as it was where the appointment was. Cracking Primark. Sequins are very much the order of the day. The main shopping street is Union Street, but it's really long and i have no desire at the moment to walk the length of it. Went into Waterstones and bought two diabetes cook books. I think they are a bit of a money spinner but there were some lovely recipes in them. One of them is Diabetes cookbook for dummies, which seemed to have plenty advice on eating generally.

Kintore is as glorious as ever. It was really windy over the weekend. One of trees blew down, but our lovely gardener, Sandy (we don't have staff - he's included in the rent) fixed it for us. I was quite washed out again this weekend but we went out on Sunday. We drove over to Aviemore. I'm so glad we went. There's a steam railway there, which is why we went. We took the boys on the train and had a lovely time. Aviemore just made me so happy. It was like an amalgamation of loads of places we went to when we were travelling. Sort of Taupo, Jasper, Cuzco - esque. Reminded me of some great times John and I had when travelling. Days of just sitting in cafes and doing faff all. I miss them a little bit, but wouldn't change having the boys and a life of shouting 'no', 'leave it alone' and 'for the love of GOD'.

I'll be back soon. Me and the boys travel down on the 19th and go back on the 23rd. Would love to see you all at some point..... I miss you all.

S

xxx

Friday feeling.

At last it's Friday. And it's October. I cannot believe how quickly this year is going. I really remember February when we had all the snow. It seems like yesterday. Today for the first time I really want a cigarette. I won't have one. Can't really imagine smoking at the moment, just a slight craving.

The weather here is grim. Autumn/Winter has started. I got my trusty Parka/Puffa out and wore it on the school run. It's into it's 5th season and always does the job. I haven't bought a 'wool' winter coat for years. I suppose I would if I had a job - I need something a bit smarter, but as all I do is walk to the school or visit Tescos, it seems pointless.

Can I just say the boys are watching a programme called 'Harry and Toto' and the narrator is the sister from Johnny Briggs. Fran will probably be the only person who knows who I mean. The professional Northern one. Speaking of Northerners, is it me or is the awful woman from Corrie who was married to Sinbad and who now works in the kebab shop, getting more and more bizarre. The way she speaks is extraordinary. Her mouth scrunches up in the weirdest way and she does the oddest things. I digress....not that I really had a point before. And what about Row-seees cleavage? She might as well get them out. Why did the bloke from the factory go out with her and WHAT does he see in Michelle. She's so brassy.

I also miss London for the first time today. I miss Alice and my mum and I miss you all. I hadn't really before now, and that's no disrespect to any of you, I just have been happy up here. I suppose it's because of the diabetes (which has now been confirmed). Whilst there is no doubt I have it, they now have to establish if I have type I or II. The health service has been beyond efficient and all is done locally. The bloods were done yesterday and the Doctors phoned this morning. My fasting blood sugar was 21 and anything over 7 is considered diabetic. I saw a Dr this morning, was given a glucose monitor, a prescription for tablets and an appointment for Monday morning with the Diabetes nurse. I can't fault them for anything so far. I was a bit upset, but suppose in my heart of hearts knew this was coming and had got my head round it. I just want John to get home safe this evening. He's been in Dubai all week on business. I really have missed him. How we used to spend the week apart for all those months, is beyond me. In fact I don't know how I coped during our separation. I didn't. I missed him, but then I suppose I coped because he wasn't the nice John I love now. He was an utter twat.

Fran text me the other day regarding 'Live from Studio five'. I think that's what it's called. She referred to it as 'car crash tv' and I wholeheartedly agree. I can't not watch it, but it makes me feel so uneasy. Who in god's name thought Melinda Messenger was a good interviewer? I would like to criticise the toothy one from the apprentice, but to be fair, she doesn't speak. Vern Troyer was on last night. If I hear the story of his Heath Ledger tattoo one more time..... It's Moo, irrelevant and it doesn't actually sound as if they really knew each other. Maybe they did. but all seems some what attention seeking.

As always, I hope you are all well.

Love

s

x