I have fallen in Love.

Is anyone else watching Pineapple Dance Studios? It's another brilliant reality TV show, but there is one reason and one reason only that I love it as much as I do. Louie.

He is without doubt utterly amazingly fantastic and if this man does not get his own show, off the back of this, then the world has gone mad. M-A-D. Every time I see him, I want to work at Pineapple Studios. It would have to be work, because I need to spend all day every day with him. Having an out of work friendship would not allow me enough Louie time. I think all the people who work with him love him too. He is so full of energy & wit and the most amazing sarcasm. He is also the most talented dancer. I caught the latest episode last night as I missed it on Sunday. There was an audition for a dance troop (I dance troop, I ask you - how fantastically 80's) and he out danced all the teenagers who were there. It was also brilliant that they played the music from the rehearsal scenes in 'Staying Alive', one of my most favourite films. Ever. Louie back flipped and spun so much so that he 'ruptured his spleen.' His words. What differentiated him from all the younger models was his passion and strength and clear technique. His dancing was artistic and a discipline.

The funniest moment was when he took the camera crew up on the roof. A place he wasn't supposed to be. The next few scenes, where passing police cars and helicopters were looming, were beyond funny.

How lovely to see this man on our television screens. The world is full of such mean and miserable people, that just knowing he exists and will be a work today making others laugh, lifts my spirits.

There is another terribly camp man on this programme, who is also funny, but to laugh at and not with. I don't dislike him, but am amused at how self obsessed he is. He is the lead singer in a group called 'Starman' and spends a lit of time telling us how talented he is. He may well be, but I'd like to decide for myself. Their manager is not the most dynamic of people. I get the impression this is the first time he's done this. He had booked a studio for the to do a photo shoot in and when they arrived said 'It looked bigger on the internet' and wanted to cancel the whole thing. It seemed slightly amateurish. Why didn't he look at the studio first or at least phone and ask for dimensions? I can see him being dropped, not before long.

I cannot wait until the next episode on Sunday, just to have my heart warmed by dear, lovely Louie.

Let down....again.

I cannot describe how awful I feel when I'm let down, but those who are supposed to love me. It's a feeling that is so deep within me, that takes control of my whole body and it takes all my energy not to buckle at the knees and fall down.

I didn't buckle this time. We all know how I have been let down in the past and how I have chosen to forgive behaviour and move on with our lives.

It wasn't really what had been done, but the potential of what was evolving. I know where these things can lead to. It's the deceit and the blatant secrecy that sickens me....I also to question the intelligence. How stupid do you have to be to keep getting caught? Don't text when I am upstairs. Turn your phone off, when your children and I are all within twenty feet. I have been deceitful in the past and know of others who have been also, but have some wit about you and keep things secret. If you want to do what you are doing so much. Maybe there is an element of wanting to be caught. An inability to stop himself, which needs me to discover the sordid truth and put an end to it. Maybe that's a bit too clever and it's just a matter of being stupid.

I am yet to forgive these lies. Although technically it's not lying as when confronted, it was all blurted out. It was sneaky and disrespectful. I think that's why this time I feel so emotionally detached from it. The lack of respect on their part has made me totally apathetic to the pathectic. The second I found out and after smashing the prized, framed photo on the wall, I stopped having feelings. Just contempt. I just fell out of love.

Do I stay? Yes. I'm sure I will. Will I forgive? Not sure. Do I care anymore? Not about him, no.

Do I deserve better? Yes.

I suppose it's just a matter of getting on with life and now really realising, that there is no happy ending. Just an ending.