Ten sleeps til Christmas.

I love that the boys work out when events will happen, by how many sleeps are left. It's a recently new thing to me. I don't know where it comes from or if indeed it's been around forever, but I first heard the term about 4 years ago. I think it's fantastic and so innocent. It is hard to believe that this time next week we will be getting ready for our trip down to London. I'm so excited about spending Christmas with all my family. This is the first Christmas we will all have together since 2005. Alice is here, Jean-Francois will have his first cold Christmas (i think) and we are all together as a family. There's one person missing. Dad loved Christmas. There was always the obligatory row between me and him, but apart from that, it was usually a lovely time. There was a period when his business was doing well and he would be incredibly generous. I remember him loving getting us Christmas Crackers made up from a certain shop on Bond Street. This was something he would go and do on his own. The rest of the shopping was down to Mum. It was his thing. He only did a couple of times as it was a luxury and couldn't be maintained, but as lovely as the gift was, it was knowing he'd done it for us that was the real present.

John and I have not done ANY Christmas shopping. We've decided to do it all on Christmas Eve. This is something I have always done, but since meeting John and having the children I have been better at planning ahead. There are two reasons for this decision. The first is that we don't want to bring a load of stuff down on the train and the second is John gets paid on the 24th. Plus it's not really the same having bought things before then. If I'm not rushing round the shops sweating and having major strops, then I'm sorry, it's just not Christmas. The question is where to go. I have yet to visit Westfield. Has anyone been? Or do I stick to my dear old friend, Brent Cross? I'm a bit scared of Westfield. Is it too big? I don't know why I'm scared. I bloody love shopping. I could shop every day and never get bored. I never have enough stuff. If I had the money I'd have everything and then some more. I am a total consumer. If it's bright and shiney, it'll make me happy. Of course it won't..... (it will.)

I have no idea what I'm getting anybody, but I always seem to find presents and in my opinion, really amazing ones. Not expensive, just apt and thoughtful. Maybe that's a matter of knowing the person well enough and a little luck. I don't buy lots of presents, just close family. Next year I may start buying presents for Christmas as and when I see them. Whatever time of year it may be. I often see things for you girls and think you'd like it. Lets see what happens next year. Although don't expect anything, as ultimately I really doubt I will do this.

Friday is the last day of term. When they go back it won't be long until I need to put in the applications for them to move up to Primary one (Reception). School. SCHOOL? I can't bear it. What will I do? I know I'll get a job. But doing what? Where? What can I do? I've forgotten? I've got til August to think about, but the way in which time is passing by, it'll be here before I've amended my CV to say 'Married'. I know ideally I'd like to retrain as a counsellor, but I'm fundamentally lazy and the thought of assignments and projects fills me with dread. I will look into it and see if I can do it whilst doing a job that will help pay the bills in the mean time. Will be nice to earn a bit of cash again. As wonderful as it is being supported by John, I would like to contribute to the finances. Although if you actually paid me for the hours I worked as a child carer, cleaner, cook, chauffeur etc I'd probably be on about a hundred grand a year, as would we all.

Now that I've been doing Avon for a little while I've started using their products more and more. I'm not just saying this, but some of their stuff is amazing. I've been using some of the samples I ordered and their Anew beauty serum is the most amazing cream. It's aimed at a more mature skin, but I've never felt my skin so soft. It's much better than Protect and Perfect (amber). I've had a go on their eye cream as my bags are starting to develop. I've also been using a primer before I put my make-up on. I keep reading how you should and it makes your make up look better, blah blah, but I have to admit it's true and the Avon one is lovely. I can't wait for my next order.

We had John's work Christmas party on Friday. I had a really good evening, but alcohol, me and diabetes don't mix well. I was ok until the end of the evening, where I had a hypo. I wasn't that drunk but I don't remember much and I've never been one to loose my memory when out on the lash. So will knock the excess on the head, which is fine. I rarely have been drunk since the boys were born.

I wore a dress which I felt comfortable and smart in, but it was quite low cut. I wasn't too worried, but at the last minute I decided to wear a corset just to hold me in better. While standing, this was fine, but when sat at the dinner table the corset literally pushed my breasts up to my ears. Poor, poor Colin, who was sitting opposite, didn't know where to look and I had to apologise to him and his lovely girlfriend Deborah for the excess cleavage. I think I put a napkin over the offending area at one point. As soon as I could get up and dance, I did.

Since moving to Kintore I've made friends with one of the other directors wives. She's a funny fish, but we get on and as I have no friends I'm in no position to be picky. She had taken a photo of John and I and text me the next morning asking for my e-mail address. Her words were '...cos I have a lovely photo of you and john.' She's one of those people who you know is lying. My God, I look awful. Awful. I e-mailed back and told her so. She must have known as she said 'It's just the dress.' Thanks-a-fucking-lot. Not, 'No, you look fine.' She agreed, but blamed the dress. I've added her on Facebook. She really thinks she's the dog bollocks. Good luck to her. Keep an eye for her photo's. I'll comment on them so you can have a nose.

I should go. I'm supposed to be making soup. I have never done this before, but feel I should now I'm Scottish. It's been non-stop drizzle here. Hope it doesn't freeze tonight.

Love you all

S

x

I feel very teary.

Am feeling sorry for myself and I hate it. I just want to cry and I also want to punch myself in the face as I have nothing to cry about.

I had an appointment with the diabetic consultant this morning and it kind of scared me. It shouldn't have, but as I am coping with my sugar levels and insulin intake more and more, I am also being made more aware of how diabetes can affect my health. The Dr explained today about how my organs can be affected by not keeping my sugar down and I just became really scared. I actually thought 'This is going to kill me.' My sugar is down and if I carry on the way I am I should be ok, but I get these panicky moments. I get scared of dying and leaving the boys without a Mum. My grandfather had type I diabetes and lived till he was 80. There is nothing for me to be scared off. I think I just get daunted.

It's ok at the moment, as I'm relatively young and in general good health, but what happens as I get older? I'm scared of getting swine flu. That could kill me....see I'm just being an utter arse.

The boys did their Christmas concert at nursery today. They all sang lots of Christmas songs and I cried. I don't think I've ever been quite so proud of them. There were a lot of parents there and it must have been overwhelming for them, but they didn't get upset. They just both sang their little hearts out. Afterwards I had to take them to the medical centre for their booster MMR injections. Ben went first and didn't make a sound. Sam however point blank refused to have it of his own free will, so we had to use some force, which I hate, but had to do. He absolutely screamed his head off, was furious with both John and I, then proceeded to walk through reception and to the car crying at full volume. Not even chocolate could calm him. He is now playing on the Wii and all seems to be ok. A quick recovery considering he was convinced his arm would never stop hurting.

Think of me tomorrow at the holiday inn for John's work do....looks grrrrrreat!

Sorry for moaning.

S

x

Happy 4th Birthday.....

Yesterday B & S celebrated their fourth birthday. I cannot tell you what a great day we all had. They are really at an age where they totally understand what is going on and get excited about it. They woke later than normal which we found rather odd and ran downstairs looking to see if I had decorated the house with balloons as requested by B. I did my best and spent the evening before blowing up 45 balloons. J was no help at all, stating 'he couldn't do it'. Pathetic. I was glad I made the effort as B literally squealed as he walked into the living room. Balloons and presents ahoy.

We had a great morning and really seemed to love what we bought them. We were careful this year not to buy any old tat and got things they had shown an interest in. I think their favourite present is 'Kerplunk.' I love it. They love a game that we played as children. Obviously it's not the same as our version. I'm sure the sticks in the 70's/80's were sharp and they were no way near as flimsy. They now have cottoned on to how you actually play. Initially the fun was to get all the marbles to fall. No they both seem to have developed their own little strategy's.

They also got a game for the wii. I have recently started to let them play on the wii, despite my 'Our children are never playing computer games' view. I, however, like the wii as it's not shooting zombie type games, but sport based pursuits. I love watching them as they play the cow racing game. When they first started playing this one, they quickly worked out you could make the cows jump and I have never heard such hearty laughter whilst they screamed 'Bouncy, bouncy.' Alice bought the the wii sports resort game and tonight we got going with it. They wanted to do canoeing and again were absolutely in hysterics. I think the scariest thing is they have learnt how to work the controls and change the menu options. They'll be hacking into the MoD mainframe computer system before I know it.

We decided not to throw them a party. I really didn't want twenty five children, who I don't know from nursery around our house. I don't care if I sound miserable. It seems you have to invite the whole class if you have a party and I'm not about to do that. Instead we took them bowling. They bloody loved it. As did we all. Mum was with us. Can I just say Mum, who, in her words, hasn't been bowling for about thirty years, got a strike on her first bowl.... this was after she'd got a 'par' on the wii golf the night before (I don't really know what that means, but it's good) and she has never held a golf club in her life. It was the funniest thing. I am definitely taking them again. They played properly, took it in turns and there was not one fight or argument. S wanted to return to the bowling alley this morning, but I had to explain, nursery came first.

Before we went out the boys from next door popped in for a slice of birthday cake with their mum. My neighbour is so nice. She really is a lovely lady and her kids are great. B & S love them.

I felt so different yesterday. I think I felt like a grown up. I didn't spend ALL day shouting at them to behave or dragging them to do things. Something just clicked and we all laughed and had fun. Happy Birthday B & S. You rock x

No other real news. I have very high shoes to wear for John's Christmas party. Stupidly high. I think I'll last three minutes in them, but I miss heels, so am prepared to give them a go. Avon stuff arrives on Friday. I can't wait. Mum is here until the weekend and before you know it, we'll be back for Christmas....

I love you all

Sally

xxx

Parties of tat...

I think I shall try and write a cheery blog as the last few have been a bit sad or indeed a harsh insight into my insecurities and mental fuck-ups. Lets go for a little light heartedness, shall we?

I got invited to a Jewellery party at Pamela's from number 35 and it all happened last Thursday. I was quite looking forward to it and imagined I would purchase a key piece of tasteful and simple silver. WRONG. Pamela is a lovely lady who I met on the trick or treating night out and I was touched she invited me. I went over, fashionably late, armed with a rather tasty bottle of Sauvignon Blanc (on special in Asda, shhhh!) and Pamela looked at me as if I had presented me with a bottle of Colombian virgin's blood. Do people in Scotland not arrive with a little something for the host? Once that was out the way we went into the living room. I was the last to arrive and a hush fell. I recognised a mum from the nursery who always ignores me, but as I was so pleased to see a familiar face I said 'Hello' to her in the most over animated fashion. Almost children's TV league. I then searched for somewhere to sit and one of the ladies selling the jewellery offered me her seat, which I took.

In the corner of the room was a trestle table covered in boxes and displays of the items on sale. Even from a distance I could tell it was cheap and awful and lo and behold, at close range it was just as revolting. However, I was clearly the only one that thought this. They were buying whacks of the stuff. I panicked. Was it me? Had missed all the good stuff. Each woman had three or four pieces as I struggled to find one thing I would immediately throw in the bin. Plus this stuff was not cheap. I wish I had the balls to not have bought anything, but in a desperate bid to fit in I found a bracelet that was quite nice and something Mum would like. It was literally the one nice piece. The type of stuff on sale was brooches in the shape of 'elegant hands' or musical notes, covered in diamante. God, it was just the worst costume jewellery. Who makes this stuff? My contribution to the evening was a fiver. The other ladies were spending about twenty pounds. I thought about spending more and then thought, no. This is shit. I did have a bit of a chat and Pamela, who wasn't actually selling it, just hosting, is a really nice lady and easy to talk to.

I also got speaking to Julie who is mother to triplet girls, who live opposite. Julie and her husband had IVF and whilst only two embryo's were planted, one split. She was very funny and down to earth and we had a laugh about the joys of having multiples and exchanged stories of children escaping and pooing their pants. I told her to knock anytime. It's hard making friends when you have none, as I always feel I sound a tad desperate and slightly high pitched. Plus I don't think anyone actually could like me. Especially up here. I worry they all think I'm a stuck up southerner. I don't think I do anything that would make them think this, other than having a sticker on my car that reads 'Scotland is shite.'

I don't seem to having any luck at posting photo's on here, but there are some recent ones on the flickr website. The latest are of a rather windy afternoon at the beach. I forget how close to the coast we are sometimes. Whilst it looks as cold as cold can be, it is rather a nice beach. I think it can be busy in the summer. I have no desire to go swimming but look forward to a few beach picnics.

Is anyone else watching 'I'm a celebrity...'? I'm loving most of the celebs, but George Hamiliton is hilarious. Who knew? The only person I REALLY dislike is Joe Bugner. He's scares me. A very odd man.

It's been another lovely week here in Kintore. We've missed the floods, luckily and had a few days of cold and sunshine. I hope you are all well and happy.

Love

Sally

xxx

Dear Dad

I really can't believe it's been six years since you passed away. It's just gone so quick. I want you to know that you are never far from my thoughts. Everyday I will do or think something and wonder what you would think or if it would make you laugh.

I really am sad that you have not be here to be part of some of the life changing events that have happened since you passed. My greatest sadness is that you never got to see Ben and Sam. Dad, you would have truly adored them. You'd be so proud of how much they love trains. I think I may have ever so slightly influenced that! They are now at an age where they would have happily come with you to stations or railway sidings and listened as you explained which train was which and where they were off to. Mum, Alice and I often laugh at how you would take us to the railway line in Reading, which we would walk over looking out for the Intercity 125's. What were you thinking???!! No doubt the line is now behind some 8ft high barbed wire fence. Ben loves Thomas the tank Engine so much and there is a programme called Chuggingtons, which is all about young trains learning things. They just love it. I can see you sitting with them and watching it. They love the display case of model trains on the wall in your house. Although have shed a tear when we've told them they can't touch. They know who you are. They often look at your photo on the wall and call you 'Dad-dat'. They couldn't say Grandad. Sam is a budding photographer. He would have loved all your camera's and shown such interest in the 1000's of photo's you took.

They are both real characters and have my petulance in them. You would laugh at what they put me through and I know be proud of them. I still can be a petulant teenager. I remember you calling me that and us both laughing. Obviously not at the time as I was too busy being petulant. I really am sorry we clashed so much in my late teens. I was just being an arse. I always loved you, even during the rows.

You really were a kind father. Not perfect, but then I think you'd be the first to admit that. You were so keen to share holidays and trips and memories with us. I look back at the holidays we had growing up as some of the very best moments of my life. I loved our trips to the lake district. We always had the best laugh. Jokes that Alice, Mum and I still do. I remember eating in the hotel restaurant and then going for a walk along the canal every night. I also remember the excitement you had in taking us all to the USA. It was so lovely that you'd loved the US so much on a business trip that you came back and booked up for us all to go. I remember how much you wanted us to go to Disneyland as you'd really enjoyed it there. I can still see the photo's of you and your business colleagues there. How out of place did you all look?! You took us and knew where to eat and what bits to do first. It was just magical.

I hope you know I am happy with John. We've both been through a lot and we did have a terrible separation, but things are good now. He is sorry and I accept that. He never had the lovely family that you and mum gave us and I desperately want him to have it. I'm not trying to copy what we had, I just want him to feel the love we all had. How we were such a strong unit, that we were often oblivious to the outside world and that we loved each other no matter what. I think he's starting to feel that love. You'd dislike his mother. I do. Just know we're ok and in love and I'm taking each day as it comes. If we love each other half as much as you and mum do, then we're ok.

I'm glad you saw me with John before you died. I know you worried about Alice and I being terminally single. I remember on a day trip to France you asking us, why we were alone... I never knew you thought about it. Alice is happy too. I hope Jean marries her. I know it's what she would love.

Mum is ok. I do try and be there for her all the time. I'm sorry we had to move so far away. I'd love her to come and live up here. Maybe she'll come up for a bit in the new year. She cries for you all the time. I'd do anything to take her pain away but I can't. Deep down, I know she's just waiting til you are together again. I am so scared of loosing her, but I will take strength in knowing she is safe with you and happy again. Laughing, talking and the odd row, because lets face it, you two had some real humdingers!

Oh Dad, if I had a wish, it would be that you were here. But you're not. You mean so much to me and taught me more than you will ever ever know. You are the bravest man, the kindest man and you showed me, Alice and Mum limitless love. You taught me how to love and how to be loved.

I love you so much. Wherever you are.....

Sally (Dogbreath)

xxxx

'Holidays are coming....'

The Christmas Coke advert has begun playing. This always signifies the start of Christmas getting closer and reminds me so very much of my Dad. He loved this advert and the Father Christmas on the back of the lorry that would wink at the end. This year I don't think they show that final piece. He would always sing the words and laugh at his own hilarity. Dad always seemed to let his beard grow a bit more around this time of year and so he would strike a rather uncanny resemblance to Father Christmas. Nobody ever mentioned it. It just happened.

In two days it will be the anniversary of his death. It's been six years and I miss him more than ever. Sometimes I have moments of almost a panic attack where I actually cannot comprehend him not being here. I loose my breath and my heart beats faster. It happens more and more. I also cry so much for my Mum. I cannot begin to imagine what it is like for her.

I still remember vividly the morning of his death. Of Alice, Mum and myself standing around his bed, all holding his hands and him taking his last gasps of air. Alice and I told him we loved him and my mum said 'Just go to the light....I will be with you soon.' I can still hear her saying it. We were all so calm. There was no crying or wailing, or 'Don't die.' We just knew his time to go had come and so we tried to strong and say goodbye. Then he just went still and he had passed.

I so hope and try to believe there is something after life. I always have but recently I have started to think, this is it. When we die we are no more. Forever. Which is rather a long time. I'm struggling with my faith a bit. I have always believed in God. Now I'm not so sure and it's not for any particular reason other than me being overly rational. Truth is, does it matter. I should just believe in what ever helps me. My Mum has really turned to the Church since Dad died. Not in an overbearing, God is great way. It's very personal to her and she's never pushed Alice or I in anyway to do the same. I love that it has got her through such a difficult time. Not only has the spirituality helped her, but she has made contact with people and whilst I wouldn't call it a 'social life' she does have friends there.

Last weekend she was confirmed at St Paul's Cathedral. It was a lovely ceremony and in total 86 people were also confirmed. I could see how much it meant to her to make this commitment to God. It was also in such an amazing building. You couldn't help but feel spiritual. After wards we went for lunch. Alice, Jean-Francois, Ben, Sam and Mum's friend Elizabeth were also with us. Mum then told us that the reason she had finally taken confirmation was because I had forgiven John and fought for my family and that if I could do that then she could forgive all the upset in her life and forge a relationship with Christianity. It was a very humbling moment for me. I never really saw it in that way. I suppose I did fight for us to be a family, but only because I couldn't comprehend the alternative. I often have seen getting back with John as a weakness on my part, but her saying what she said, has finally made me see my forgiving as a strength, and not a weakness.

I'll sign off wishing you all lots of love. It's a grey day here, for a change.

With all my love

Sally

xxx

p.s. Xanna, any more pictures of ladies night? xxxx

Avon calling...

The Avon stuff arrived twenty minutes ago. I'm too excited to write. x

My weight

Since my diabetes was diagnosed and I've started injecting insulin (I almost wrote heroin for some reason) I have put back on some of the weight I lost. The loss of weight and the speed at which it happened was due to my pancreas not making insulin and my body not converting the energy in the food. I was basically urinating sugar and so no weight was gained and indeed I began to shed it. Oh those lovely days of just eating what I wanted and as much as I wanted. It made the constant thirst, constant weeing, exhaustion and thrush from hell almost bearable. Actually it was awful, but I wore skinny jeans for the first time in a long time.

I got down to eleven stone and a size 12. This was great, but I still wanted to loose more weight. I have always wanted to loose another half a stone. I am never happy. I wonder if I would be like this if I got down to something silly (for me) like seven stone. When I have been at my thinnest, which is usually through tragic heartbreak or even the time I was bulimic, I still look in the mirror and see a fat person. I was talking to a friend about my body dis morphia the other day and she described me looking 'thin' in some photo's. I never see this. I also talked to John about wanting to be happy with the way my body is. I like my clothes, I more than often am pleased with how I look in my clothes, but I always have in my mind that the way I look will be temporary. An example of this is I would love a pair of 'designer jeans'. I wear jeans all the time and would love to splash out on a pair by 7 for all mankind or similar, but I never ever do because I say 'I want to get them when I've lost some weight'. Why not just get them now and be happy? Why always feel so fat?

I talked to John about something that happened to me when I was about ten or eleven. To this day I think about it often, vividly and it always makes me cry. I think John is actually the first person I've talked to about it. I was walking along past the shops in South End Green (now Starbucks and Blue Daisy) and outside the then cinema was a queue of people, mostly kids, waiting to see a film. One of the boys shouted over at me, in the loudest voice 'Oi Sally, you fat shit.' I was absolutely mortified (I'm crying again) and really hoped my Dad hadn't heard and by some miracle he hadn't, because a lot of people had. The children in the queue all laughed and I just wanted to curl up and die. This boy is someone we all know from school.

He was actually quite popular and a hit with the girls. I spent all of our time at Hampstead avoiding him at all costs. There were times when we were at the same parties and gatherings but I don't think I actually spoke to him until we left school and were in our twenties and to be honest he seemed ok. We were even friends on Facebook, but I removed him as we were never friends in real life and he hardly used the site. I think this incident has had more of an effect on me than I've realised. It still is very fresh despite happening 25 years ago and I never have spoken of it (at least I don't think I have, you will know if it's something I shared). I know it was a throwaway comment and a young lad trying to impress his friends, but to be honest I don't think he'd be sorry if I told him what he did or indeed I doubt he'd remember.

So I really do want to try and just be happy with me and my body. I love how Gok Wan makes the women on how to look good naked love their bodies and shows them how well they can dress. I really want to be like that. I suppose the first hurdle is recognising I have a problem and hopefully I will deal with it.

Love to you all

S

x

London Baby.

I am back in Kintore after a few days in London. I went to see friends and family as it was school holidays for the boys. We travelled by train, which despite being a lengthy journey wasn't unbearable and I have to say that considering how bored I was, the boys behaviour was impeccable. Obviously there was some whining and restlessness, but they hardly argued. Neither with each other or me. To be fair I plied them with food most of the trip, in an attempt to keep their mouths occupied. On the train ride down, mum met us on the train at Newcastle, which was an amazing help and company for me.

This journey has made me realise what a very nervous traveller I am. I think it's to do with having tickets and allocated seats. I'm the same flying. I am constantly checking that I have the tickets and am not happy that I am in the right seat until the ticket inspector has been along. I had reserved tickets and thank god I did, as we'd have been standing for the majority of the journey. Others clearly do not have such concerns. On the trip back I had moved to sit with the boys for a few minutes (we didn't have a table on our return, so they sat across the aisle from me) and a woman and her mother got on and went to sit in the window seat next to mine, which was vacant at the time but had been reserved from a station a bit further on and then her mother went to sit in my despite my book being on the seat and my handbag on the floor. I suppose I could have sat in with the boys but I thought, 'No, I've paid for three seats, I'm having three seats,' and so sent her on her merry way. Really nicely though. I wasn't rude.

I would never sit in a seat with a reservation ticket on it without looking at it to see where it's reserved to and from. I often wonder if I go through life thinking about this sort of stuff too much. Should I just sit where I want and deal with the consequences later or am I right to make sure I'm not in some body's seat and save them the palava of asking me to move. Do I do it because I hate most confrontation? Because I don't want to look stupid? Because I like to be in the right place at the right time? All of these things, probably.

It was truly lovely to be back in London. I miss the hustle and bustle. Everything is on the go twenty four - seven. Traffic is busy, pavements are congested, the constant sound of a siren in the background. All things I took for granted when I lived there, but are non existent here in Kintore. I'm sure if we lived in Aberdeen itself, these things would be around us. Watching the London news was so different. Gun and knife crime are still a big part of London, but since being here I've not seen or heard about a murder. The biggest news in Kintore is the floods. In my absence last week there were several parts of Aberdeenshire flooded, parts of Kintore included. A farmer who lived in our village went out on his tractor to rescue some of his livestock and in doing so must have been swept away by the water. The police spent three days searching for him and yesterday afternoon they found his body. His was 81, which doesn't make it any better, but I think there was a feeling of he had lived a long life and wasn't leaving any young children behind. It's still sad though. I read news reports about this on-line and saw that Kintore was 'devastated' and 'shocked' at such a tragedy. Which it is, but as it really must have shook people as things like this just don't really happen. Part of me likes that the boys could potentially grow up being sheltered and the other part (the NORF London part) of me, feels they should be exposed to the harsh realities of City life (not right now, when a bit older), so they can cope with things in life that just are pleasant. I suppose there is still plenty of time for this. They don't need to know about guns, knives and drugs just yet.

It was so lovely to see you all and catch up although I never feel we have enough time to talk. You all looked well and I have to say Rosa was positively blooming. I love how we talked about people who then turned out to be two tables behind us. Xanthe taking photo's (how I wish I had your camera confidence), Fran staying awake past ten pm, Becca and her aggressive cleaning tales and Nomi doing the 'I shall pretend I'm scratching my shoulder with my chin when I'm really trying to look over my shoulder. Very Molly Ringwald in 16 Candles.

I loved my Starbucks coffee with lovely Amber - skinny latte with a extra shot of bitching. I miss our kitchen day terribly. Looking at outfits and boots on the internet and planning tattoo's. I miss lots of things, but I love Kintore. I love looking out of the window of our living room with the heating on and cup of tea and the truly grim weather outside. I love our house. I'm not smug and I would never take any of this for granted. Who knows when it could be taken away. I love the space of our garden, our wardrobes, our shower, the tumble dryer. I love parking off road outside my house. I love the boys having such lovely neighbours to play with and that they can scoot in the street. I love their nursery. I love the butchers. The Dr's and the kind, kind people at the hospital who are helping me with my diabetes. I love my children and my husband and I know only too well how very blessed I am to have my family. I know how awful it was to almost loose it.

Yes, I do hanker after my City life and I do have moments of wanting to go 'home', but deep in my heart I am home. Home with the loves of my life. Home with the people who love me. The people I love and miss in London, will always be loved by me, wherever I am. I miss you. I love you. I will always be here for you.

I will see you all soon. If not when we are down the weekend of the 7th, then at Christmas.

Love, as always

Sally

p.s. If I'm honest, if Aberdeen had an Ikea, I wouldn't give a toss about London!!!

A lovely week.

I can't tell you how nice the last week has been. We're mid the Scottish school holidays and John took last week off. We've just pottered about and had a few day trips. I kind of take it for granted that as soon as we leave our road we are in the country. There are mountains on the horizon as we drive down (or up) the A90 and suddenly you come off and start following a small road that leads you through one small village after the other. Some of the villages are lovely and some are so small and bleak I would rather stick pins in my eyes, than live in them. The green, the forests and the general landscape are stunning though. Sometimes when I see the map of the UK on the TV weather reports I do feel a little cut off. Aberdeen is quite isolated, unlike other Scottish cities. It seems up bit 'up the top'. Although everything (bar Ikea) I need or want is here.

I'm sitting in the living room as I write this and watching Ben & Sam play outside. I love that they can play out. Obviously I check on them and keep an eye, but I feel as long as they don't go past certain boundaries (touch wood) they are ok. I never dreamed that Ben and Sam would be able to do this. They scoot around with the boys next door, Cameron & Kyle. Ben and Sam adore Cameron as he is an older boy and clearly some sort of Demi-God. They are constantly wanting to tell Cameron things. His little brother Kyle is the sweetest thing. Have I said this before?

I probably won't write again until I return from London. The boys and I get in late afternoon on Monday and leave Friday morning.

See you soon

S

x

Ikea-ka-ka-ka

I'm telling you now, you do not realise how amazingly fantastic Ikea until it is taken away from you. It is well priced, well made and well designed. Furnishing this house without Ikea ten minutes away has been very difficult. We ordered some stuff from Argos and it was shite, as well as being more expensive than my favourite Swedish shop.

There isn't one in Aberdeen, so yesterday we got in the car and did the three hour drive to Edinburgh. And it was SO worth it. It felt familiar. I felt at home as I browsed the Malm drawers and Riba frames. I felt safe and secure drinking my free coffee (thanks to my family card) in the cafe, as the aroma of meat balls wafted through the air. I marvelled at glasses we don't need and saucepans we don't want. I wanted candles, vases, lamps.... I want it all. I actually think even if I had millions I would still go to Ikea. God, I love it. Love it. And the Christmas decorations are in. Sadly I couldn't get John excited about their wrapping paper or heart shaped baubles, but I'm hoping to get Mum up here soon and we can make a day of it.

John is at home this week. It's the school holidays up here. The boys have two weeks off. It's Wednesday already and the week has been lovely so far. Yesterday was great and the house is really coming together. It's so cosy and nice. I still feel it's homely, but we have space and I'm managing to keep it tidy. I do have some help with cleaning though. There are three bathrooms and a toilet. I don't mind dusting and vacuuming, but hate bathroom cleaning. Molly Maid come every two weeks and two lovely Scottish girls whizz round here in an hour and a half. It's a total luxury and I'm enjoying it while I can.

My sugars are still quite high, but I have two appointments tomorrow. The first is a three hour group course on high to 'count carbs' and make sure you take the right amount of insulin to break the sugar down. The other is in the afternoon with the diabetes nurse at the hospital. I do feel better in general, so something must be working. I jut hope we can get the sugars right down over the next few weeks.

So, the boys and I arrive back in London, late Monday afternoon. I am so looking forward to coming back for a visit and doing some City things. Starbucks, a decent Chinese...that's it...and seeing my friends and mum and Alice. I really have missed Al. I miss Mum too, but at least have seen her. It's hard for Al, to get the time off work and it can be expensive flying up here. Mum has the time to do the train. Speaking of the train, we've also booked our Christmas train tickets. We're back on the 23rd December til the 29th. Hopefully we'll be around for some of the festive action!

It's been a lazy morning here, so I'm off to get ready and I think we're hoping to drive somewhere. I want to go to Peterhead and see the fishing boats and buy fresh fish. The sun is desperately trying to break through the clouds. I'll do my flat pack tomorrow.

Lots of love

S

xxx

Rainy Days.....

The weather has now turned extremely windy and rainy up here. Even the Scottish people are commenting on how awful the weather is and I would have thought they were used to it. Our house is incredibly warm though. We've had the heating on a couple of times, but the house seems to retain it. I think that is the most boring paragraph I have ever written in my life.....

I've been taking my insulin all this week. My sugar levels are still quite high, so my dosage has been increased gradually each day. The levels this morning were a bit lower, but still too high. They said it would take a while to get it all sorted. It's all going well. The only thing I would say is you have to be fairly organised and remember to do things. To aid me, I ordered a special diabetes 'kit bag' from a company on the internet. It was advertised in the Diabetes magazine the hospital gave me. It looks like a filofax but inside are all compartment to hold the various bits of equipment I have. It wasn't cheap either. I totally lost the plot when it arrived. It's a tan leather and was marked to buggery. I sent it back with a stinking letter. I was so disappointed. How dare they send out such a cack piece of stock. It was scratched, marked and has some sort of water stain. Yesterday a got a phone call from the woman who owns the company saying how sorry she was and she would send another one out that she would check personally. So I agreed. I'd looked on the internet for another kitbag but they were the only company that made a bag totally equipped for diabetics. The woman who owned the company designed the kitbag because she could never find anything suitable to carry all her kit in. I feel however she has overpriced all the goods...based on the kitbag I got. Lets see what I get in the post next week. There is however a market for cheaper and more fashionable bags, I feel.

My symptoms have started to ease. I slept the whole night through on Thursday without doing a wee, having a drink and the boys didn't wake. The first full night in about 4 years.

Our last lot of furniture arrived in the week, so now we have no excuse not to unpack the garage of all our 'gumpf'. Clearly nothing essential as it's still out there. I have to make the furniture though. As much as I enjoy a bit of flat pack, I'm now bored of it.

I saw High School Musical for the first time in the week. I've mentioned it on FaceBook, but I have to say I LOVED it. It was so jolly and happy and over the top. Just what a Disney film should be. Primary colours, everyone good-looking, happy. Marvellous. Just need to see 2 & 3.

Right, I'm off. Lots of love

S

x

Memories.....

I had to go to Aberdeen Infirmary yesterday as my blood sugars read so high at my GP appointment, I think the nurse was worried I'd die on her. I didn't. The care we got there was amazing. First of all, you get three hours free parking. Can you imagine our shock? We then went up to the diabetes ward and we made to wait almost five minutes before a lovely doctor came along and took us into a little room to discuss my plan of care. Because of my symptoms and age there was an uncertainty as to which type of diabetes I have. We agreed with the doctor that they would start me on tablets whilst they sent my bloods off to be tested. This is apparently a relatively new test which can determine the strain of diabetes. As we were discussing this, Hillary the lovely diabetes nurse came in and did a blood sugar and ketone reading. My blood sugar was 25.9 (the ideal is between 5 and 6) and my ketones were 4.2 (this should be 0). The two medical people almost cacked themselves and both said 'Insulin'. Ten minutes later I was picking out the 'pen' I wanted to use and injecting myself with my first bout of insulin. It didn't phase me too much as I remember doing it with the boys and I'm not particularly squeamish. It honestly doesn't hurt. The most painful thing is pricking your finger to get a drop of blood for the blood/ketone reader.

So yesterday was the first day of a brand new chapter in my life. I am a diabetic and I have to have four injections a day. I have had a few tears about it, but in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be upset about. I don't have a terminal illness, I have something that I can control and it means I need to look after myself. We were in with the diabetes team for two hours and they were brilliant. I cannot fault the NHS up here. It's just been fantastic. I saw a nutritionalist today, who again was great. I was under the impression I'd never be able to eat a piece of cake or chocolate again, but that's not case. As long as I always take my long lasting insulin at night and take the right dose of insulin before I eat something, nothing is really off limits. However it wouldn't be wise for me to eat unhealthily all the time. The nurse said, nobody never has a treat. I have no problem in changing my lifestyle. I don't actually eat that badly. I will need to exercise more. There's talk of buying a bike. Gulp.

Mum's up again. It's a great help having her here and I think she really loves it. She has spoken of getting a job at the local garden centre, which is where we hang out as it sells everything and has a lovely cafe. It's said in jest, but..... I love it when she's here.

We went into the city centre today, as it was where the appointment was. Cracking Primark. Sequins are very much the order of the day. The main shopping street is Union Street, but it's really long and i have no desire at the moment to walk the length of it. Went into Waterstones and bought two diabetes cook books. I think they are a bit of a money spinner but there were some lovely recipes in them. One of them is Diabetes cookbook for dummies, which seemed to have plenty advice on eating generally.

Kintore is as glorious as ever. It was really windy over the weekend. One of trees blew down, but our lovely gardener, Sandy (we don't have staff - he's included in the rent) fixed it for us. I was quite washed out again this weekend but we went out on Sunday. We drove over to Aviemore. I'm so glad we went. There's a steam railway there, which is why we went. We took the boys on the train and had a lovely time. Aviemore just made me so happy. It was like an amalgamation of loads of places we went to when we were travelling. Sort of Taupo, Jasper, Cuzco - esque. Reminded me of some great times John and I had when travelling. Days of just sitting in cafes and doing faff all. I miss them a little bit, but wouldn't change having the boys and a life of shouting 'no', 'leave it alone' and 'for the love of GOD'.

I'll be back soon. Me and the boys travel down on the 19th and go back on the 23rd. Would love to see you all at some point..... I miss you all.

S

xxx

Friday feeling.

At last it's Friday. And it's October. I cannot believe how quickly this year is going. I really remember February when we had all the snow. It seems like yesterday. Today for the first time I really want a cigarette. I won't have one. Can't really imagine smoking at the moment, just a slight craving.

The weather here is grim. Autumn/Winter has started. I got my trusty Parka/Puffa out and wore it on the school run. It's into it's 5th season and always does the job. I haven't bought a 'wool' winter coat for years. I suppose I would if I had a job - I need something a bit smarter, but as all I do is walk to the school or visit Tescos, it seems pointless.

Can I just say the boys are watching a programme called 'Harry and Toto' and the narrator is the sister from Johnny Briggs. Fran will probably be the only person who knows who I mean. The professional Northern one. Speaking of Northerners, is it me or is the awful woman from Corrie who was married to Sinbad and who now works in the kebab shop, getting more and more bizarre. The way she speaks is extraordinary. Her mouth scrunches up in the weirdest way and she does the oddest things. I digress....not that I really had a point before. And what about Row-seees cleavage? She might as well get them out. Why did the bloke from the factory go out with her and WHAT does he see in Michelle. She's so brassy.

I also miss London for the first time today. I miss Alice and my mum and I miss you all. I hadn't really before now, and that's no disrespect to any of you, I just have been happy up here. I suppose it's because of the diabetes (which has now been confirmed). Whilst there is no doubt I have it, they now have to establish if I have type I or II. The health service has been beyond efficient and all is done locally. The bloods were done yesterday and the Doctors phoned this morning. My fasting blood sugar was 21 and anything over 7 is considered diabetic. I saw a Dr this morning, was given a glucose monitor, a prescription for tablets and an appointment for Monday morning with the Diabetes nurse. I can't fault them for anything so far. I was a bit upset, but suppose in my heart of hearts knew this was coming and had got my head round it. I just want John to get home safe this evening. He's been in Dubai all week on business. I really have missed him. How we used to spend the week apart for all those months, is beyond me. In fact I don't know how I coped during our separation. I didn't. I missed him, but then I suppose I coped because he wasn't the nice John I love now. He was an utter twat.

Fran text me the other day regarding 'Live from Studio five'. I think that's what it's called. She referred to it as 'car crash tv' and I wholeheartedly agree. I can't not watch it, but it makes me feel so uneasy. Who in god's name thought Melinda Messenger was a good interviewer? I would like to criticise the toothy one from the apprentice, but to be fair, she doesn't speak. Vern Troyer was on last night. If I hear the story of his Heath Ledger tattoo one more time..... It's Moo, irrelevant and it doesn't actually sound as if they really knew each other. Maybe they did. but all seems some what attention seeking.

As always, I hope you are all well.

Love

s

x

Tuesday already.

The weekend was a total washout for me. I spent most of it asleep, which I obviously needed, but I hate wasting the day. John was brilliant and just left me to it, while he amused and fed the boys. All they seem to do is eat. I think we're in the midst of a growth spurt, as well as them being petulant teenagers. All I get is 'why?', 'in a minute', and 'no.' Everything is a battle. I am really trying not to raise my voice to them, as they know the minute I shout, they're in control. How can three year olds be so manipulative? It's a phase and I'm sure they'll grow out of it.

I did get out of bed on Saturday. The weather was tres glorious. We drove to the beach and spent some time there. Whilst Aberdeen beaches aren't exactly St Tropez they are clean, there's plenty of space and they are easy to get to. The beaches near the city are lovely, but if you drive up North there are some real gems.

I'm having blood tests on Thursday to try and determine whether or not I have diabetes. I'm almost 100% sure I have. I have every single symptom and the Dr's were sure it would eventually come back. My mouth 'problem' has turned out to be Oral Thrush. The swab taken at the Dr's confirmed this. Sorry to get so personal. Ongoing thrush is another symptom of diabetes. I've been given this medicine to take which is revolting, but I tend to think the worse the taste the better the chances of clearing it. How I would like to describe it, would be base, even for me. Hopefully it will clear up. Eating has been unbearable the last week. I also think it could be mixed in with the condition Eff told me about. I looked it up on the Internet. It's amazing what's out there and what people have to live with.

Mum's here at the moment, as John is in Dubai on business. I love having her here and I think she really enjoys it. I know the boys adore her. Every morning they wake up and go into her room, climb into bed and I can hear them chatting away.

Sofa's arrived on Friday. We can sit and watch the TV. Marvellous, as a new series of Come dine with me, started on Sunday. The best show ever.

Love you all.

xxx

Balloons & Our house.

Not long after we moved up here there was a bit of local excitement. A Virgin hot air balloon had to make an emergency landing in the school playing field located a couple of streets away from out house. At the time I didn't realise there was a problem and thought all was in hand. It was only when I read about it in the 'Scottish' Daily Mail, I realised how close we were to having it land on our roof.

I said I'd post a picture of our house. So here it is...

Various tests have been ordered at the Dr's. Hopefully all will be clearer in the next week or so.

xxx

The nice receptionist.

Today I came across something as rare as hen's teeth. A Dr's receptionist who was actually nice and dare I say helpful. Every other receptionist I have come across has, without fail been trained by war lords and, I'm sorry to say this, have been a few sandwiches short of a picnic. The Dr's at my last practice were lovely, but the amoeba's working the desk were bloody awful and rude beyond belief. This lady was lovely.

I went there today to register and asked how long I had to leave it before I could make an appointment. She said usually a couple of days, but if it was urgent she would book me in for the next appointment. I explained that I wasn't dying, then touched wood, but thought I was showing too many signs for diabetes and would like to get checked out. She found me an appointment for tomorrow at three. She also complimented my cardigan.

I'll keep you updated on the diabetes. I've ignored it, but now have to grow up and deal with it. I had gestational diabetes with the boys and they said it would be a real possibility it would come back. So maybe it has.

On a lighter note, there is an amazing indoor play area fifteen minutes up the road. I went there yesterday with the boys (obviously) and both my neighbours. It's so jzuzy. All Cath Kidston and gorgeous cup cakes. So lovely, that I went back today with only Heat magazine to keep me company, and the boys. Will happily spend many a rainy afternoon there, drinking tea and eating bakewell slices.

Hope you are all well. We are all fine and I promise to let you know about the Dr's.

Lots of love

S

x

Separation anxiety.

I had to leave B at nursery this morning, crying his eyes out saying he wanted to be at home. The teachers were brilliant and just took him away from me, but I walked out crying. I'm sure he's fine. I just hate it though.

I'm just starting to watch 'P.S. I love you' and am currently listening to the worst Irish accent ever. It's on a par with Dick Van Dyke in 'Mary Poppins'.

Laters.

x

Feeling ill and Teleshopping.

My throat and mouth are killing me. I feel as if I swallowed a bottle of bleach. I'm in bed being 'looked after' by John. I say looked after. In between various sporting events on the TV, I've had the odd cup of tea. And some lunch. I'm debating going downstairs to see if the washing has been taken out of the washing machine, at the risk of being told I'm interfering. In all fairness he is really good at helping out and even though I've had a morning of listening to them all shouting at each other, I have had some rest.

Despite having SKY and the 900 channels that come with it, I cannot find anything to watch and have settled for Bid TV. It's boring so I've moved onto a infomercial for the Magic Bullet. It's truly amazing. (I can hear next doors children at the door - John now has 4 children to play with. Brilliant.) My favourite advert is for Cricut. It's a machine that cuts paper for crafting and scrap booking. Everyone is so keen and impressed by it. I do however want to purchase the space saver bags. The ones where you vacuum all the air out. Amazing. I also want the vibrating things you put on your toes. You buy one for thirty quid but get another two free. In the morning most of the cable channels are infomercials. There are hundred's. Exercise equipment is a big one. Ab king, Ab master, Ab Fab etc

It's really windy today, so the washing is out. Thanks John.

xxx

The first entry....

I'm starting this blog so I can keep my friends up to date with the going's on in my life. I was going to do a weekly group e-mail, but thought this would be a better way to keep in touch.

I've been meaning to start it since we moved in August, but with all the building of flat pack furniture, I haven't had the chance.

I'm feeling poorly today, so am sitting in bed whilst the boys are downstairs destroying the house and thought I'd get on with it. I was actually reading Fran's blog - I'd do a link to it, if I knew how - and thought there is no time like the present. I love Fran's blog. It's so original and inspiring. Just bursting full of her talent. I've framed the print she sent me, titled 'Home', but I don't know where to put it. I want it in every room. Maybe when our sofa and last few bits of furniture arrive, I'll know where to place it.

Getting furniture has been a real pain. My main gripe is there is NO Ikea in Aberdeen. I'm so used to have one ten minutes up the road. You can see how they make so much money. Furniture costs an absolute furniture and with two young boys who cannot grasp the concept of NOT drawing on walls or furniture, I just refuse to invest in anything. I don't want to be the sort of mum who stands guard at her sideboard. If they draw on the flat pack we went with from Argos then I may not be happy, but I won't lose the plot. All the 'nice' furniture shops up here have half price sales on are full of stuff that never cost 50% more, they're just trying to look like they're doing a deal. I've worked in retail.....I know the tricks of the trade. The never ending sale is one of them. Please bring Ikea to Aberdeen. Please, please, please.

The weather has been fine up here so far. I know we'll be in for a harsh winter, but I've stocked up on wellies, winter coats and jumpers for us all, so we'll just have to manage. I also think they are probably slightly better prepared for the extreme weather up here. Unlike London. I won't forget the day London stood still in February. The day little Sophie was born.

We've got a weekend at home planned. The last few weeks have been manic as John has been involved with loads of exhibitions at work. Yep, Offshore Europe sounded an absolute scream and did Offshore Windfarms in Stockholm. It's a big deal up here in Aberdeen, as it's the heart of the Oil and Gas industry. It was on the news and everything. Anyway, it's all over, so with any luck we'll see more of John for a while.

Will try and unpack some more, get rid of all the cardboard packaging we've accumulated over the last month and try and get out and about with the boys. There's a farmers market down the road tomorrow, with local produce for local people. It's all ever so Scottish up here. All the national newspapers are the Scottish version. I'll get used to it.

Corrie's getting on my nerves. I hate the Molly & Kevin storyline....apparently Molly gets all Glenn Close. As if.

I'll get in the shower I think, may perk me all.

Love you all and I'll try and put some photo's up of where we live and the house etc

xxx